Give Them Room to Change

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GIVE THEM ROOM TO CHANGE

I recently thought of a person who shared this experience with me.  As an adult, she has felt like she had a certain negative characteristic because her mother has said to her constantly... "you have always been this way".

My friend realize, as an adult, that this is not true.  It took her many years to understand that she is NOT this way, but her mother sees her that way because of events in her childhood.  

Lets look at this deeply.   If her mother had given her "room to change", maybe she would have taken that opportunity.  If someone sees a child as "always that way", the child tends to believe that it is true, even when it isn't.   "Room to change" is giving the child (no matter what age) the opportunity to see themselves in a different way and shows them you have faith and trust that they will change a habit, a misbehaviour or an underlying concern you may have.   

This does not mean it will happen overnight.   Giving them room or space requires patience and trust.   

Words such as "I know you can do this" or my favorite "what could you do better next time?" work like miracle words!  Positive reinforcement and letting them see what they could do better are the best ways to encouraging changing a behaviour...

Recently we spent some time in the south pacific.  We captured this beautiful video on a beach.  There were thousands of butterflies!  Watch below...

Can you imagine all the caterpillars that were there before?  haha   Each one of these beautiful creatures were once caterpillars and changed to butterflies!  Our children will do the same...

Let's give our children "room to change" and better themselves.  They will see themselves in a different way and won't have to wait until they are an adult to realize that they really haven't carried  that negative trait all this years.  

If you are interested in individual parent coaching, visit our website at www.theparentingpiece.ca

Weekly Goal - Explore

I saw quote today that read "Children will learn to explore when they are given the opportunities to do so and not given a reason why they cannot." What a beautiful sentiment this is. Exploring is so important to learning and the developing mind.

"Children use their senses, their minds and their bodies to find out about and make sense of what they see, feel and experience in the world around them. They gather information and develop new skills, including thinking skills. They form ideas and theories and test these out. They refine their ideas through exploring their environment actively and through interacting and communicating with adults and with other children. Much of this happens through play and other experiences that allow children to be creative, to take risks, and to make discoveries. As they learn, they retest their theories adjusting them to take on board new discoveries and new experiences. " - NCCA (Source)

Let them walk around outside, and feel the grass on their toes, let them jump in puddles, let them climb on the playground (with your supervision), let them run around! It's what they are meant to do (with proper supervision of course!). Here is a great article about ways to let your child explore:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/learning/exploring.html

Neil deGrasse Tyson said,

"Kids should be allowed to break stuff more often. That's a consequence of exploration. Exploration is what you do when you don't know what you're doing". 

Now I'm not saying go let them break the TV or vase... but let them go outside the throw ice cubes on the ground, or build a tower with them and let them knock it down, and rebuild it. When they are a little older, let them take apart something you build out of lego, or help them take apart a flashlight when they are old enough. Grab a glower, and let them pull it apart to see everything inside of it. If you're fixing something, let them watch, or help you take it apart when they are old enough. 

Mark Twain said it best:

Explore. Dream. Discover!!

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Weekly Goal: Better

We're a little late on our weekly goal (thank "life" for that haha!). But here it is!

“If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday, then that's enough. And, if tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, then that's enough.” - David A. Bednar

Everyday, lets strive to do a little better than yesterday. Just one little thing that you can do better than yesterday. Each day that is a step forward!

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Iceberg Ahead!

You've seen or heard of the iceberg analogy I'm sure.   When looking at an iceburg we see only about 10% of the ice.  The rest of it is underneath.

Let's say that top 10% is the behavior we see in our children.   When things aren't going so good, let's try to stop and look at the 90% underneath.   What could that 90% be?

Let me suggest a few things.   Stress, lack of sleep, hungry, angry, bored, sick, temperament, personality, frustration....

When a problem occurs, it is better to deal with the part in the 90% than just the tip we can see.   If we deal with the tip only, it doesn't solve the problem, it only stops the behavior at that moment.

Let me give you an example.   One of my children had a hard time at around 5:00 at night, every night!   At first, I just dealt with it daily, but it never solve the problem underneath that was causing this.   I finally realized that she was absolutely hungry at that time.  Even though she had an after school snack, her body at that time was needing nutrients!   So, once I realized this, at 5:00 I would give her a half an apple, an orange, frozen peas, or something nutritious. If she didn't eat as much at dinner, it wasn't a concern as the snack was always healthy.  (That wasn't ever a concern though, as she seemed to need to eat at night!).  The top 10% (behavior) was solved, when I realized what might be in the 90% that was causing it!

Often we think children need to be punished and that is how they learn.   I say to look at what might be the cause of the problem and solve that piece, and the behavior will improve.   So, dive and explore underneath and try to see all the iceberg!

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Mistakes and Misbehavior

I know parents are often at a loss as to what to do when children misbehave.  Particularly if it has to do with another child.   It is difficult, I know, to figure out who was at fault and how to teach them to behave nicely towards others.

May I make a few suggestions?   If children are unkind to others (this includes you!), here are 4 steps to help turn the negative into a learning experience.  If you use these steps often, it will become a habit for both you and your child.

1. Children need to understand what they did wrong.   Older kids can verbally tell you what happened...you have to guide little ones to understand.   Don't lecture or go on about what happened, remember we are trying to make this a positive learning moment.  Just make sure they understand what happened.

2.  Children also need to recognize that they had a part in the situation.  If they continue to say.."but it wasn't me" etc, just simply state that they were part of the problem.  Once they recognize this, move on.

3.  Next step is to make amends.   That may be an apology or replacing something.  It could be restoring something to its original state (cleaning up, washing a coloured wall etc).   Remember, apologies will be different for every child and every situation.   Some show it emotional, some just say the words.  This is ok, as we are teaching them what an apology is.

4.  My last suggestion is important and I think parents miss this step!  This is probably the biggest step to a positive learning opportunity.   Simply ask your child what they could do next time to avoid this situation.   Ask them what steps they can take when this problem occurs again.   Depending on age, with younger children you will have to tell them and with older children you can guide them into coming up with solutions.   A child is more able to remember what to do when the situation comes up again, if they are involved in the solution.

So remember:   Your children are going to make mistakes. It is a human thing to do.  We need to guide those mistakes into opportunities to learn how to do it better the next time.

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Weekly Goal: Play

Playing with our children is so important. Not only does it teach THEM to play, but shows them we want to be a part of THEIR world, not just having them in our world. Besides that, their world is much more fun!!

Printable 8x10 - right click, save and print! 

So go spend a little time in your kids' world. You'll be amazed by the magic and beauty!

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Weekly Goal: Gentleness

Here is your weekly goal. Strive to be a little more gentle with your children, in your actions, words, discipline, suggestions, requests, etc.

REMEMBER: be gentle with YOURSELF also!

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Make sure to pin it as well (this size is for pinning!):