Iceberg Ahead!

You've seen or heard of the iceberg analogy I'm sure.   When looking at an iceburg we see only about 10% of the ice.  The rest of it is underneath.

Let's say that top 10% is the behavior we see in our children.   When things aren't going so good, let's try to stop and look at the 90% underneath.   What could that 90% be?

Let me suggest a few things.   Stress, lack of sleep, hungry, angry, bored, sick, temperament, personality, frustration....

When a problem occurs, it is better to deal with the part in the 90% than just the tip we can see.   If we deal with the tip only, it doesn't solve the problem, it only stops the behavior at that moment.

Let me give you an example.   One of my children had a hard time at around 5:00 at night, every night!   At first, I just dealt with it daily, but it never solve the problem underneath that was causing this.   I finally realized that she was absolutely hungry at that time.  Even though she had an after school snack, her body at that time was needing nutrients!   So, once I realized this, at 5:00 I would give her a half an apple, an orange, frozen peas, or something nutritious. If she didn't eat as much at dinner, it wasn't a concern as the snack was always healthy.  (That wasn't ever a concern though, as she seemed to need to eat at night!).  The top 10% (behavior) was solved, when I realized what might be in the 90% that was causing it!

Often we think children need to be punished and that is how they learn.   I say to look at what might be the cause of the problem and solve that piece, and the behavior will improve.   So, dive and explore underneath and try to see all the iceberg!

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Daily Reminders

I really want to talk about one of my favorite quotes that I have in my home...it is a daily reminder of what is important in my life.

"Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved!"  Thomas S Monson

I love these words.  If each of us used this in our parenting, then more compassion, more empathy, more understanding, more forgiving and more teaching would be felt.

Short post with a huge thought!   Share with us how you could or already do use this in your life!

Up, up and away! Being aware of our children.

It has been awhile since I posted anything.  Been traveling to see 2 new grandbabies in two different places!   It has been wonderful.

On one of my many flights this month, I sat across the aisle from a mother and her son.   The minute she got on the plane, mom was engaged with her phone.  Her son was 3 years old and sat by the window across from me.  For about an hour, he was kicking the seat in front of him, yelling, and standing up (after the flight attendant had told mom several times that he had to be in his seatbelt).  Mom just basically ignored him.  There were no toys or books for this little guy to keep him entertained.  This went on for an hour.

So, I took my headphones off and engaged mom in a conversation.  Then I started playing with him.  We did fingerplays, songs, and games.  We counted my fingers and his over and over.  Mom engaged with us at this time.    We did this for about an hour.  It entertained us both.  We started descending to our city and his little ears hurt, so he started screaming again.  I said  "don't scream, use your words and tell mommy they hurt."  So he did.  We then played a yawning game and they popped. 


As we got off the plane, mom said  "you are really good with him!"  My thought was... she could have done the same thing, she just choose to ignore him when he needed to be entertained.   Those little spaces on a plane are confining!  They are so small for kids and adults!  (that's why I entertain myself with music or books). 


I have no problem with children on an airplane.  They have just as much right to be there as I do.  The problem (not the child, but the mother ignoring him) was solved when attention was paid to the little boy.  I know the people around us were really happy when I started playing with him.


One final thought... as I was in the terminal I heard from behind... "hey, you forgot me!"  My new little friend came running up and grabbed my hand.  I explained that his mommy would miss him if he came with me, so he had to stay with mommy.  She smiled and thanked me.   Maybe some teaching was done by example.  Hopefully the next flight they were about to get on was better for him!

Aha! and Haha! Moments

We've all heard of “Aha! Moments” where we realize something or understand something. (Webster's Dictionary: a moment of sudden realization, inspiration, insight, recognition, or comprehension)  I want to talk about “HaHa Moments”.  Those moments when you just have to laugh! 

Here’s a great example shared by a friend of mine, Rachelle, that happened with her 5 year old son.   The pictures that are included are actual pictures of the event.  When I saw these, I laughed out loud!  It was clearly an example of a HaHa moment!

 “I had asked my son to clean up his room one night. When I went upstairs to check on him I walked into his room and noticed his room was completely empty!

I had expected to find everything shoved under his bed and in his closet,  but to my dismay as I turned around I noticed my own room was barricaded with all of his belongings!

My son was standing there in the doorway and then he turned to me and said "No Mom! You go clean your room!"  I didn't know if I should be furious or impressed, however, after a discussion about how if he couldn't take care of his belongings and put them back where they belong they would be given to another boy, he understood the gravity of the situation. 

And then he was asked to clean up the proper way!”

HaHa moment for sure!   Mom certainly handled the situation the right way.  Sometimes you just have to laugh.  Did he have to take the time to put it all back?  Of course he did.   Would yelling at him or punishing him in anyway have solved the situation any better?  Of course not!   Would he have learned more if she had spanked him?  No, in fact it would have had a negative effect on the whole situation!   He was trying to be funny and use a HaHa moment himself.   His self-Esteem would have gone down, respect for child and parent would have diminished.  Was it funny?  YES!  His personality was in play at the time!   Could mom laugh?  Of course she could (and did!).  The rest of us laughed too!   Did he have to take care of the whole mess?  YES… there are consequences to our actions!  Yet, mom certainly used her sense of humor.

 Using your sense of humor in parenting, easing the tension, leaves self respect intact and can even be used as a teaching moment.    As a family, my adult children still talk about the times that humor was used in teaching a lesson, rather than punishment.   Longer lasting lessons are learned when you use your sense of humor.

Think of someone you know that has a good sense of humor (not sarcasm, that is different.  We will talk about sarcasm at another time).  When you think of that person, doesn't it make you want to be around them?   My father has a wonderful sense of humor and my children and now my grandchildren talk about him all the time with love in their voices as they do!  Everyone wants to invite Grandpa B to all our events.  We love to be around him.   Your children will think the same of you if you use your humor in a way to teach.

Caution again:  We aren't going to use a joke or a sense of humor in all teaching.   You can go overboard.   Also, don’t make fun of your children or use sarcasm when using your humor.  This will backfire!   You do need to always use your kind and understanding self, even when not laughing!

 So… try to change your view of things.  Laugh WITH your children!  Find those “HaHa moments” in your parenting!