Weekly Goal: Better

We're a little late on our weekly goal (thank "life" for that haha!). But here it is!

“If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday, then that's enough. And, if tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, then that's enough.” - David A. Bednar

Everyday, lets strive to do a little better than yesterday. Just one little thing that you can do better than yesterday. Each day that is a step forward!

And Don't forget to pin :)

Iceberg Ahead!

You've seen or heard of the iceberg analogy I'm sure.   When looking at an iceburg we see only about 10% of the ice.  The rest of it is underneath.

Let's say that top 10% is the behavior we see in our children.   When things aren't going so good, let's try to stop and look at the 90% underneath.   What could that 90% be?

Let me suggest a few things.   Stress, lack of sleep, hungry, angry, bored, sick, temperament, personality, frustration....

When a problem occurs, it is better to deal with the part in the 90% than just the tip we can see.   If we deal with the tip only, it doesn't solve the problem, it only stops the behavior at that moment.

Let me give you an example.   One of my children had a hard time at around 5:00 at night, every night!   At first, I just dealt with it daily, but it never solve the problem underneath that was causing this.   I finally realized that she was absolutely hungry at that time.  Even though she had an after school snack, her body at that time was needing nutrients!   So, once I realized this, at 5:00 I would give her a half an apple, an orange, frozen peas, or something nutritious. If she didn't eat as much at dinner, it wasn't a concern as the snack was always healthy.  (That wasn't ever a concern though, as she seemed to need to eat at night!).  The top 10% (behavior) was solved, when I realized what might be in the 90% that was causing it!

Often we think children need to be punished and that is how they learn.   I say to look at what might be the cause of the problem and solve that piece, and the behavior will improve.   So, dive and explore underneath and try to see all the iceberg!

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Mistakes and Misbehavior

I know parents are often at a loss as to what to do when children misbehave.  Particularly if it has to do with another child.   It is difficult, I know, to figure out who was at fault and how to teach them to behave nicely towards others.

May I make a few suggestions?   If children are unkind to others (this includes you!), here are 4 steps to help turn the negative into a learning experience.  If you use these steps often, it will become a habit for both you and your child.

1. Children need to understand what they did wrong.   Older kids can verbally tell you what happened...you have to guide little ones to understand.   Don't lecture or go on about what happened, remember we are trying to make this a positive learning moment.  Just make sure they understand what happened.

2.  Children also need to recognize that they had a part in the situation.  If they continue to say.."but it wasn't me" etc, just simply state that they were part of the problem.  Once they recognize this, move on.

3.  Next step is to make amends.   That may be an apology or replacing something.  It could be restoring something to its original state (cleaning up, washing a coloured wall etc).   Remember, apologies will be different for every child and every situation.   Some show it emotional, some just say the words.  This is ok, as we are teaching them what an apology is.

4.  My last suggestion is important and I think parents miss this step!  This is probably the biggest step to a positive learning opportunity.   Simply ask your child what they could do next time to avoid this situation.   Ask them what steps they can take when this problem occurs again.   Depending on age, with younger children you will have to tell them and with older children you can guide them into coming up with solutions.   A child is more able to remember what to do when the situation comes up again, if they are involved in the solution.

So remember:   Your children are going to make mistakes. It is a human thing to do.  We need to guide those mistakes into opportunities to learn how to do it better the next time.

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Weekly Goal: Play

Playing with our children is so important. Not only does it teach THEM to play, but shows them we want to be a part of THEIR world, not just having them in our world. Besides that, their world is much more fun!!

Printable 8x10 - right click, save and print! 

So go spend a little time in your kids' world. You'll be amazed by the magic and beauty!

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Weekly Goal: Gentleness

Here is your weekly goal. Strive to be a little more gentle with your children, in your actions, words, discipline, suggestions, requests, etc.

REMEMBER: be gentle with YOURSELF also!

Print your copy (click on the picture, right click, save as...)

Make sure to pin it as well (this size is for pinning!):

A Different Kind of Mother

Christie here. I haven't ever really introduced myself on the blog. I am Laurie's daughter, and am the "tech" side of the blog here. Mom writes the awesome content. I try and keep the blog as awesome as her content.

This post is going to be a little different. Mom suggested I post this, as it has been shared a few times now on social media (which I am extremely honored about). She thought it needed to be posted on the blog. It's not about your typical "motherhood". It is about a whole different kind of mother - the one you never really know about, or know exist unless someone tells you. In addition to being a mother of 3 beautiful kids, I am also the kind of aforementioned mother. I am a birth mother. I placed my son for adoption when he was born, after painstakingly choosing his forever family. He just celebrated his 9th birthday. Below, is the snippet of my story, the one that was shared on social media a few times. I never knew the impact it could make, but I'm so grateful for the chance to tell my story in a small way. 


Please feel free to comment and ask any questions you may have about adoption, birth mothers etc. 

"My birth son's (adoptive) mother sent this photo, of my birth son right after he was born, to me. I remember that day so well. His wide, bright eyes as he opened his eyes for the first time. His unwavering stare at the world around him. The little bubbles he was creating around his mouth. His 'amazed' expression as he glanced at his forever father. And the first 'coos' he gave to his forever mother. I will never forget my birth son's smell, his cries, and his soft skin as I held him. How we fell asleep together. How I sang to him.

Josh Groban's, 'Awake,' was my song for my birth son. I remember how well that song fit how I felt that weekend he was born: 'Keep me awake to memorize you. Give us more time to be this way. We can't stay like this forever, but I have you next to me today... We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here right now with me. And all of my fears just fall away, when you are all I see.'

I will remember the love we shared that day, today - I love you baby boy. I will always love you. Happy Birthday.
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The relationship that I have with my birth son's parents is amazing. I am so thankful that I can be a small part of my birth son's life, and watch him grow. I see him at least once a year (when schedules permit), and he and his adoptive parents even attended my wedding. Open adoption is such a beautiful thing." - Birth Mother, Christie from Canada

Daily Reminders

I really want to talk about one of my favorite quotes that I have in my home...it is a daily reminder of what is important in my life.

"Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved!"  Thomas S Monson

I love these words.  If each of us used this in our parenting, then more compassion, more empathy, more understanding, more forgiving and more teaching would be felt.

Short post with a huge thought!   Share with us how you could or already do use this in your life!

COURAGE

In light of recent happenings and events in the world, this word has been on my mind as I think of children.  My thoughts are on our children and those who live in the areas that are bombarded with hatred.    I see the courage these children have on a constant basis.  Going to bed at night, some looking for food for their families, others watch friends and family die, some are dealing with death in their “peaceful” countries.  

I believe OUR children need to learn this word, COURAGE.   They may never have to deal with a war torn country (we hope, we pray) but it is around their world constantly.   Technology shows us what is happening all over the word in an instant!  We all know this.   Some of our children see this and don’t understand where these events are happening and it causes great anxiety and fear.

We need to shield our younger children as much as possible.   These little ones aren’t reading the news or going on the internet, but they see and they hear.  I learned this a few years ago when there were devastating floods in our area.  I had picked up some of my grandchildren that very day to stay with us for a week.  It was all over the radio and tv.   We watched the news all day.  As adults we are aware that often the same event is shown over and over on the news.   To my grandchildren, as they heard it while playing or saw it on tv, they thought it was happening all over again.  Every time they saw a broadcast of the floods, it was new to them.  Turn off the tv, or watch when they aren’t around.

The same thing happens when we watch events all over the world.  It may be the same event, but to young children this is happening again and again.  

Children who are in school are going to hear and see things.  They may even study these events.  This can frighten some children.  Teenagers, of course, know what is going on and there are those that are afraid (although they may not express this).

Communicate with your children.  Watch their expressions, the things they say and even the things they don’t say.    LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to them.

I would like to add another suggestion:

TEACH THEM COURAGE

We need to teach our children to have courage; courage in the words they use, courage to stand up for that which they believe, courage to face another day, and courage to look at the good in the world.  They need to have courage on the playground, courage in their families, courage in the schools, courage in their workplace, courage on the sports field, and courage in the world.

This starts with telling them what courage means.  Talk about the word often, point out times they had courage, read books, tell them stories of courageous people (including yourself).  Children may surprise you at some point how courageous they can be.  One of our young grandchildren stood up to a bully who was picking on a friend with a disability.  That is COURAGE.  If they learn courage in their little world, it is easier to have courage in the big world.  When children feel courageous they will have power within themselves; power to change the world, power to stand up to those that are mean or evil, power to do what it right.

Model courage yourself.  Be a change in the way people talk about others.  Have courage to say something when you see someone who is not being treated fairly.  Have an attitude of courage.

Having courage, even just an understanding of the word, gives our children hope in whatever circumstances they are in.   It gives them power to handle the situations they see in this world.  For some children, it gives them life.

Bridges of Communication

“Mom, are you listening?”  “Dad, can I please, please, please?”  “No one ever listens to me!”  

Does this sound familiar?  If so, then let’s talk about communication and listening.  Listening  to your children shows respect.  Why is it that we expect them to always listen to us, yet we sometimes tend to ignore the things they are saying.   Granted, I will give you the fact that you are busy, you are possibly trying to listen to many young people all day long.  I get that.  Having said that, sometimes just listening to what your child is saying is enough to stop them from constant pleading or talking.

When communicating with others, we can set up barriers or bridges.  We want the communication in our homes constantly flowing, so building bridges is ideal.  Barriers such as dams in a river, will stop that flow.  Let’s look at some examples:

Barriers:

Threats – “If you don’t stop yelling, I’m sending you to your room!”

Lecturing – “If you don’t finish your homework, you will never get into university, and if you don’t get into university, you will never be able to support your family.  Get that homework done because you need to get those good grades.....”

Questioning – “Why did you...”  “How come you....”

Always giving advice or solutions -  “You should do this...”

Orders – “Take that trash out now!”

Blaming – “YOU ALWAYS make a mess...”

Denying feelings-  “Don’t feel bad...”

Can you see how each of these will stop communication?

Now let’s talk Bridges of Communication:

Bridges:

Stop what you are doing and listen with your whole self.  Look them in the eyes.  This takes time at the moment, but may save you plenty of time when there is not power struggle or whining.

Don’t blame the child,  look at the problem –example... “I see there is a mess on the floor!”  This gives the child a chance to tell themselves how to solve the concern.

Use the correct tone/body language – When we use a good tone with our children when making requests or speaking to them,  we are showing them respect.

Often just a word or two is better than a lecture.  Children will listen better is you just say something in a few words.  “boots off”,  “clean bathroom”,  “keys please”,  “homework”.

Watch your questions.  -  It’s ok to use questions such as “how could you have handled that differently...?”  “how do you see it...?”   If you use questions at all, make them thought provoking and not questioning why they did something.

You don’t always have to have a solution – “guiding them by listening and acknowledging is often the best route to take”

Understand that they are feeling the way they do – Acknowledge they have a certain feeling, even if you don’t think they should.  They will tell you how they feel if you let them.

Remember... after listening your answer may still be “no”.  If this is the case, simply state... “I heard what you said, and my answer is no.”  The acknowledgment that you heard may be enough to stop the whining.  (They may be mad you sad no, but that is ok.  Disappointment is an emotion that children need to learn to handle)

These bridges of communication are goals we all need to strive for in relationships.  Believe me,  you want your children talking to you... not their peers.  If you don’t feel like you have that communication now, use these techniques and I guarantee you, it will get better!

Too High-Expectations

As I walked into the mud room the other day, this is what I saw: 

My daughter and her 3 children live in the apartment we have in the basement. They come through the shared mudroom to get to their place. I was always finding coats on the floor. It was driving me crazy! Now I know, mom walks in with three children, one is a baby, probably groceries, a diaper bag, preschool materials etc. It is hectic coming in the house with 3 little children. Were my expectations too high? Literally they were...

The children couldn't hang their coats up because the hooks were too high! So I solved the problem. I just put hooks lower, explained to the children where their coats go now and problem solved! We have had no more coats on the floor!

This is a simple solution, I understand, but it got me thinking about other expectations. Do we expect too much sometimes from our children?
For example..

Toddlers: We give them a plate of food and tell them to eat all of it. Most times, the portions are what we give them. Is it too much? Toddlers will eat tons at one meal and nothing but a few bites at another. 

Adolescents: Do we tell them to come home from friends at a certain time, yet they don't have a watch with an alarm to tell them what time it is? Do we expect them to constantly watch the clock to be home on time?

Teenagers: What are our expectations with them? Do we think they should have adult brains and adult experiences to make the correct choices all the time? 

I did believe we should teach our children responsibility and teach consequences for our actions, but we shouldn't EXPECT them to always be able to do those things we think they should do. I often hear from parents... "He knows better". This statement is a true statement, but remember how many times you had to be taught before you could make the right choice sometimes. Expect to teach them over and over. 

I don't believe you lower your standards and values in your family, those are strong and stay high! I do believe we sometimes need to lower what we expect of our children. Our EXPECTATIONS can be too high. Remember, they are learning through out their childhood. Have faith in them...help them through struggles (like the coats), problem solve with them and then see what they can do!

Are You Their Friend AND Parent?

Have you seen this quote lately?  

  Every time I see it, thoughts run through my head.   (Don't ask me what those are).  The thought that sticks out mainly is...Why can't moms and dads be both; parents and friend?

I looked up the definition of both words:

Parent:  

be or act as a mother or father to (someone).

"the warmth and attention that are the hallmarks of good parenting"

synonyms:

raise, bring up, look after, take care of, rear

Friend:  

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: 

So, thinking through this statement of "I am not your friend, I am your parent" really doesn't make sense when raising children.  I understand we are going to protect our children and teach them to make wise decisions, but parenting is not stalking, hunting them down or even being their worst nightmare!   Parenting is advocating for your child when needed, helping them through mistakes they make and guiding them to make correct decisions.   

Yes, as they get older, they may think you are a bad nightmare (and I'm sure that is basically what this statement is about) but, if we discipline and teach with a caring heart, children will learn more and show more respect for you.  Respect should be from both child AND parent.  The statement above is not a statement of respect from the parent.  

My father had boundaries and guidelines for me to follow.  Did I like them all?  No!   Did I think he was my worst nightmare? No!   I may not have agreed with him, maybe even have been mad at him at times, but never did I think of him as a stalker, or an enemy or nightmare. 

So, ideas on how to be the parent your child respects?  ( doesn't mean always agrees with, but respects you and your boundaries).   Let's rewrite this statement!

"I am your friend AND I am your parent!  

I will walk beside you and guide you.

I will discuss with you your concerns and mine.

I will listen to you always, in turn I hope you listen to me.

I have you in my dreams and I hope your dreams are happy, too.

When mistakes are made, I want you to know you can come to me!  ALWAYS!  This way we can learn together, to make it better next time.

Because I love you!"

I like this statement so much better!  The only problem I see with it, is it doesn't fit on a decorative board like the other one!  :)

So, can we be friend AND parent?  Of course we can!   

As the definition of the words friend and parent states, we can "be and act as a mother or father" and "be the person our child knows, likes, and trusts!"  

Laurie