Mistakes and Misbehavior

I know parents are often at a loss as to what to do when children misbehave.  Particularly if it has to do with another child.   It is difficult, I know, to figure out who was at fault and how to teach them to behave nicely towards others.

May I make a few suggestions?   If children are unkind to others (this includes you!), here are 4 steps to help turn the negative into a learning experience.  If you use these steps often, it will become a habit for both you and your child.

1. Children need to understand what they did wrong.   Older kids can verbally tell you what happened...you have to guide little ones to understand.   Don't lecture or go on about what happened, remember we are trying to make this a positive learning moment.  Just make sure they understand what happened.

2.  Children also need to recognize that they had a part in the situation.  If they continue to say.."but it wasn't me" etc, just simply state that they were part of the problem.  Once they recognize this, move on.

3.  Next step is to make amends.   That may be an apology or replacing something.  It could be restoring something to its original state (cleaning up, washing a coloured wall etc).   Remember, apologies will be different for every child and every situation.   Some show it emotional, some just say the words.  This is ok, as we are teaching them what an apology is.

4.  My last suggestion is important and I think parents miss this step!  This is probably the biggest step to a positive learning opportunity.   Simply ask your child what they could do next time to avoid this situation.   Ask them what steps they can take when this problem occurs again.   Depending on age, with younger children you will have to tell them and with older children you can guide them into coming up with solutions.   A child is more able to remember what to do when the situation comes up again, if they are involved in the solution.

So remember:   Your children are going to make mistakes. It is a human thing to do.  We need to guide those mistakes into opportunities to learn how to do it better the next time.

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Weekly Goal: Gentleness

Here is your weekly goal. Strive to be a little more gentle with your children, in your actions, words, discipline, suggestions, requests, etc.

REMEMBER: be gentle with YOURSELF also!

Print your copy (click on the picture, right click, save as...)

Make sure to pin it as well (this size is for pinning!):

Problem Solving!

Hey all... back to the parenting blog!   Life seems to have its ups and downs and lately that is what we have been experiencing.   Taking my own advice on resiliency, we have decided to continue with the blog.  Hopefully we can reach more parents out there and help you solve that parenting puzzle we all seem to work on continuously.

Let’s start today with PROBLEM SOLVING!   This is a skill that every child can and should develop.   It is not one that happens naturally with most kids, in fact, it is a skill that is learned.   A child who can problem solve is less likely to engage in a power struggle with you.  

Teaching problem solving skills isn’t difficult.   You need to just back away and give your child the opportunity to think about a solution.  These moments come every day.  When a child is able to solve their own problems, he/she is more involved with that solution and will likely follow the plan rather than engage in a power struggle with you.

Let’s talk toddlers:   When my granddaughter, M was born her parents had a problem with older sibling J always wanting to pick her up.   Her parents sat down with her and guided the problem solving into a solution.  Every time she wanted to hold baby, she could ask mom or dad and they would help.  J remembered the solution because she was involved in the discussion.   If she was just told no all the time, she wouldn’t have been so invested in the solution.

Let’s talk kids:   You child continuously forgets homework at home.  It would be wise to sit down with the child and let them help you problem solve.  Listen to all the ideas for solutions.  Don’t discount them, even if you know that won’t work.   Come to an agreement and commit to that.  It could be your child has come up with the solution to put the homework right in the backpack after completion.  They have asked you to remind them one time.   You agree on this, with the stipulation that you will only remind once and then if they forget, the problem is theirs to deal with at school.  Your child is now invested in the solution.

Let’s talk Teenagers:  Curfew, the dreaded curfew!   Problem solving steps can be taken at this time.   The following guideline is an example of problem solving WITH your teenager.

• Talk about the problem/concern
• Discuss solutions (listen, listen, listen and write down ALL their ideas!)
• Talk about each idea and come to an agreement on which one works best
• Put the plan in action
• If it fails, TRY AGAIN!!!   

Think of your child and his/her success as an adult if they learn as a child how to solve problems.  Think about what you can do each day to encourage this.  When they ask you something, encourage them to think of the answer or solution.  Model problem solving skills.  Talk out loud as you try to solve a problem.  Set an example that they will see and follow!

You will solve a significant amount of the parenting puzzle if you teach your children to be problem solvers!

The Lying Game

Have you ever told a lie? When you did, why did you do it? Most people will tell a lie to protect themselves from embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval. As adults, this is interesting to think about. Now, I’m not saying that most adults lie, I try to be honest in my life as I’m sure you do also, but as I think over my many years I have told a lie and they were for the above reasons. (Now is the time to be honest with yourself! You have too )

Now, about our children. How do we teach our children to be honest? Children are going to lie for the reasons we read above. If you put them in a situation to experience embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval, they will lie. Is there a way to discipline without making our children lie to us? Let’s start with the following situation that happened with one of my grandchildren…

D.K. had been picking the paint off the walls by her bed. Her mother had asked her several times over a period of days, not to pick the paint off. One day mother walked in and more paint had been picked off.

Mother: “D.K., did you pick at the paint on the walls again?”

D.K.: “No, I didn’t”

Mother: “I can see you have, it’s not nice to tell lies. Lying hurts and makes you feel all yucky inside”

D.K.: “Well telling that lie didn’t make me feel all yucky inside!”

Although this was really a funny answer, Mom got caught in the trap that time. Now, I think my children are great parents, but we have all set up our children to lie to us at one time or another. Do we ask them a question when we already know the answer? This will invite a child to lie if they feel trapped. Here are a few ways to help children learn that lying really does hurt themselves and others, we do feel “yucky” inside and that telling the truth is best.

1. Don’t ask questions that can set up lying. As explained above, our questions often set up a child to learn to lie. They get caught in the thought
of embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval. We can be disappointed in what happened, but our conversation around that will teach them how to handle a critical conversation. The best way may be:
“I see you have been picking at the paint on the wall again. Do you think we can talk about something else you can do with your hands while you are trying to go to sleep?” You could also tell them why peeling the paint off the wall isn’t good and there may even be a consequence of helping to repair the wall (what that may be will depend on age and what they can handle).


2. You can ignore the lie and continue on with the consequence for the action.
Mother: (after D.K. told her the lie) “I see that there is more paint off the wall. What can we do to fix this?”
Mom had set the situation up for her child to lie, but ignore the lie and went on with information or consequence. Nice recovery!


3. Deal with the problem, not the child. Help children learn that it is ok to make a mistake. Sometimes that is all it is, a mistake and they had forgotten. By using discipline and consequences they can learn from those mistakes and move on. If you don’t overreact, they will know that mistakes happen and they won’t have to lie to you when they do.


4. You don’t always have to find out what happened. Sometimes when it involves two children, you will never get the right answer. They have a tendency to blame each other (sound familiar?). Remember, you don’t have to question and you don’t have to know the answer. Deal with the problem at hand, teach a better way to do it or use a consequence for them to learn a lesson.


5. Watch what is going on in your child’s life. Are there outside influences that may lead them to lie to you or others? Are they lying to teachers at
school? Is it because of teasing or bullying or anything else that you may see? Does your child show signs of low self-esteem?


6. Watch what is going on in your home. Is your child tired, sick, lonely, sad, embarrassed etc?


7. Watch how you react to your children when they do something they shouldn’t. Do they feel like they need your approval for love? Children need to know you love them no matter what.


8. Teach the importance of telling the truth at another time. A family meeting is the best time to teach this. Get the children involved by asking them how they could tell the truth in different settings, even when they know that what they did wasn’t right.


9. Problem solve with your child if it is an ongoing concern. State your concern, listen to your child’s solutions, give your solutions and let them help you come up with a plan when they feel like they are going to lie. If a child is involved in the solution, they will be more aware of it and want to follow through with the plan.


10.Always tell your child you appreciate the honest answer when they do tell you the truth. Consequences may still be appropriate, but self-esteem is not lowered when you let them know you appreciate the honesty.




Now, think back on my first question. Have you ever told a lie? Did you feel all “yucky” inside? The ones I remember did hurt me, as I still remember them and the “yucky” feelings I had when I did tell them. I am an adult now and understand that I was trying to protect myself, but it doesn’t make it right. The hurtful part comes in remembering how I felt at the time. Lesson learned for sure. Let’s teach our children those lessons with understanding and acceptance. Teach them how to express the truth without worrying about the results.


Laurie

Yes or No?

Here's an interesting question to ask yourself... Can you say YES instead of NO?  


There are several ways to say YES to our children instead of always saying NO! Let me give you an example...from my own interaction with my grandchild. Now keep in mind I teach these skills to parents all the time and I blew it this time! ( a good lesson that we all make mistakes!)





We were enjoying a fun family evening around the camp-fire eating s'mores. (A favorite treat around a fire). My grandson C.A., had eaten his quota of two s'mores that evening... 








C.A.: "Grandma, can I have another s'more?" 

Me: "No, you have already had two" 

(C.A. Goes into 3 year old mode of crying and slight tantrum to view his disappointment...)
C.A.: "I want another one, I want another one!" 

(Enter his mother to the camp-fire at this moment. She hadn't heard anything that had happened yet) 

C.A. runs to his mother and says: "Mommy, I want another s'more" 

Mother: "Yes, C.A., tomorrow!" 

C.A.: "Okay"

He then runs off to play! 








Whoa, what just happened here? I teach these skills all the time and I totally missed this time! Mom answered yes... That he could have one and told him when. He was completely satisfied!Now, does this mean we never say no to our children? Of course not. Often no is required and a simple no should do. You can explain why once, but you don't have to explain over and over. Yet too often we say no without even thinking. It can sometimes be an automatic response. We do know better, we do know that two s'mores is enough for a three year old, but rephrasing it into a YES response would have saved me and my grandson from the power tantrum! 











"Yes, we will go to the park when it stops raining!" 

"Yes, you can play with your friend, after you do your homework." 

"Yes, you can watch a movie, after you help me with the dishes." 

"Yes, you can take my car to the mall, but I would like you to pay for some gas." 











Saying YES some of the time (or most of the time) will ease the disappointment and might even tame a struggle. One note of caution though, make sure you follow through with what you say. If you don't, children will soon learn (very soon I might add!) that you don't mean what you say and the struggle will happen even when you say yes! 







So remember... You can often say YES instead of NO! Try it and see if it works for you. It may take more than once, they need to trust you will follow through.  





Comment below and let us know of your successes!

Feelings - Validating Them

Emotions and Feelings are a HUGE part of misbehaviour.  Whenever I facilitate a multi-week course, I start with validating feelings and children’s emotions.   If a parent doesn't understand how a child feels, they cannot discipline in a positive way.

Understanding their emotions is easy to do.   A simple statement will bring the feeling out.  “I see you are angry”, or “I understand you are sad”.    You can use these with all age children.

Toddlers:  “I know you are sad that she took your toy…”

Young children:  “I see that must be frustrating for you…”

School age:  “That sounds embarrassing…”

Teenagers:  “You seem mad…”

These simple statements open the door to communication.   What if you say the wrong emotion? Children will automatically tell you how they are feeling… “I'm not sad, I'm mad!”   Great!  You have just taught them how to acknowledge their own feelings!   A great life skill to have.  One piece to the puzzle solved!  

I had a young dad come up to me one time and say  “I don’t have any feelings or emotions, so this is not going to work!”   First off, I don’t believe anyone is free of emotions, he just may not know how to express them properly.  Secondly, this isn't about his emotions, it is about the child's!   We are not trying to get them to be out of control emotionally as they grow.  We are just telling them we understand that they feel that way.  We let them know that it is okay to feel that way.   It’s also an open door to more conversation about what is happening to them at the time.

So, now you have validated their feeling , what do you do next?   Let’s  take a look at the above examples again…

Toddlers:  “I know you are sad that she took your toy…but we don’t hit our sister!”

Young children:  “I see that must be frustrating for you…but we don’t whine, we use our words.”

School age:  “That sounds embarrassing…do you want to talk more about it?”

Teenagers:  “You seem mad…want to cool off a bit and then chat some more?”

Do you see how these words can open the door to conversation so that you can teach or discipline in a respectful manner? 

What if you were to take the above examples and respond like this..

“Don’t hit your sister!  I don’t care if you are mad!”

“Quit whining…I'm not going to help you if you are whining!”

“Stop sulking!  Tell me what is wrong!”

“Change that attitude.   Getting angry doesn't solve your problem!”

Now with these responses, where does the child go?  To a state of rebellion, resentment, and discouragement.  They will not be willing to talk to you about what happened and things just get worse.  

Validating feelings is one piece to the positive discipline technique!

So… before discipline, teaching or helping a child, validate that you understand their emotion.  Then see what happens next!

Discipline - What it Really Means.

Positive discipline… do you hear those words all the time now? GOOD! Disciplining in a POSITIVE way will teach your children what is expected and leave both your children and yourself with self-esteem!

When we punish a child with extreme techniques (spanking, yelling, belittling, sarcasm, ignoring, etc.) we teach our children fear, resentment, and rebellion. Only the needs of the adult are met when punishment is used.

Discipline on the other hand, teaches the child what he should have done instead. It teaches life skills (yes, even at a toddler age) that he/she will use for life. It focuses on the solutions to problems, not the problem itself.

Does this mean we are letting them get away with the misbehaviour? Absolutely not, there are consequences to actions. It takes courage and hard work to parent with positive discipline techniques. Let’s talk about a few of those techniques in the coming posts. Stay tuned!