Iceberg Ahead!

You've seen or heard of the iceberg analogy I'm sure.   When looking at an iceburg we see only about 10% of the ice.  The rest of it is underneath.

Let's say that top 10% is the behavior we see in our children.   When things aren't going so good, let's try to stop and look at the 90% underneath.   What could that 90% be?

Let me suggest a few things.   Stress, lack of sleep, hungry, angry, bored, sick, temperament, personality, frustration....

When a problem occurs, it is better to deal with the part in the 90% than just the tip we can see.   If we deal with the tip only, it doesn't solve the problem, it only stops the behavior at that moment.

Let me give you an example.   One of my children had a hard time at around 5:00 at night, every night!   At first, I just dealt with it daily, but it never solve the problem underneath that was causing this.   I finally realized that she was absolutely hungry at that time.  Even though she had an after school snack, her body at that time was needing nutrients!   So, once I realized this, at 5:00 I would give her a half an apple, an orange, frozen peas, or something nutritious. If she didn't eat as much at dinner, it wasn't a concern as the snack was always healthy.  (That wasn't ever a concern though, as she seemed to need to eat at night!).  The top 10% (behavior) was solved, when I realized what might be in the 90% that was causing it!

Often we think children need to be punished and that is how they learn.   I say to look at what might be the cause of the problem and solve that piece, and the behavior will improve.   So, dive and explore underneath and try to see all the iceberg!

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It's Not Fair!!

"That's not fair!"  "She has more than me!"  "You love him more than me!"  Have you ever heard these words?   In a child's mind...it is true. They are all or nothing.... if you give your love to them, there is nothing for me!   That is natural for them to think this way...but they are teachable.   They can be taught to look at fairness in a whole new way.  Fair doesn't always mean equal.   There can be enough for everyone.

It's not always your job to fix the problem.  If you let your children learn to talk it out and not get you involved, it teaches problem solving.  Too often we don't want children to feel disappointment or jealousy in the family.   I think children need to feel this emotions at times, to learn how to deal with them.   It's O.K. for them to be upset about something they don't see as fair.   A nice conversation when things have cooled down might be the best way to help them understand.   Having said that, it's not always necessary.

If one child is overpowering another too often, a talk with both at separate times and at a calm time is appropriate.   To the one being "taken advantages of in sharing", possibly ask them what they could say or do the next time that happens.  Empower them to stick up for what they deem to be fair.   You could ask the same thing to the child who seems to always get their way.   A simple conversation can change the way THEY handle it the next time.

I know one parent who says "I don't do fair". It seems now the number of "not fair" comments have decreased.  Dad doesn't buy into it or let it push his buttons.

Other ways to handle the NOT FAIR attitude in your home could include:

-Validate their feeling without solving the problem.
-Let them know you have confidence they can work this out and praise them when they do
-When they say "it's not fair"  you can explain your decision, but only once.  (Use your best judgement as a parent on this, you don't always have to explain!)  If they continue, you ask them to explain back to you.  They usually calm down at this time.
-If it is an on going problem, sit down with that child and do scenarios to help them with problem solving.  Make it fun as you teach the lesson.
-And as always my favorite parenting technique ever is to spend one on one time with each child.   Develop that relationship!  As you do this, the jealousy and fairness attitudes will decrease as your child learns that he/she is important to you no matter what another child or person receives.

Problem Solving!

Hey all... back to the parenting blog!   Life seems to have its ups and downs and lately that is what we have been experiencing.   Taking my own advice on resiliency, we have decided to continue with the blog.  Hopefully we can reach more parents out there and help you solve that parenting puzzle we all seem to work on continuously.

Let’s start today with PROBLEM SOLVING!   This is a skill that every child can and should develop.   It is not one that happens naturally with most kids, in fact, it is a skill that is learned.   A child who can problem solve is less likely to engage in a power struggle with you.  

Teaching problem solving skills isn’t difficult.   You need to just back away and give your child the opportunity to think about a solution.  These moments come every day.  When a child is able to solve their own problems, he/she is more involved with that solution and will likely follow the plan rather than engage in a power struggle with you.

Let’s talk toddlers:   When my granddaughter, M was born her parents had a problem with older sibling J always wanting to pick her up.   Her parents sat down with her and guided the problem solving into a solution.  Every time she wanted to hold baby, she could ask mom or dad and they would help.  J remembered the solution because she was involved in the discussion.   If she was just told no all the time, she wouldn’t have been so invested in the solution.

Let’s talk kids:   You child continuously forgets homework at home.  It would be wise to sit down with the child and let them help you problem solve.  Listen to all the ideas for solutions.  Don’t discount them, even if you know that won’t work.   Come to an agreement and commit to that.  It could be your child has come up with the solution to put the homework right in the backpack after completion.  They have asked you to remind them one time.   You agree on this, with the stipulation that you will only remind once and then if they forget, the problem is theirs to deal with at school.  Your child is now invested in the solution.

Let’s talk Teenagers:  Curfew, the dreaded curfew!   Problem solving steps can be taken at this time.   The following guideline is an example of problem solving WITH your teenager.

• Talk about the problem/concern
• Discuss solutions (listen, listen, listen and write down ALL their ideas!)
• Talk about each idea and come to an agreement on which one works best
• Put the plan in action
• If it fails, TRY AGAIN!!!   

Think of your child and his/her success as an adult if they learn as a child how to solve problems.  Think about what you can do each day to encourage this.  When they ask you something, encourage them to think of the answer or solution.  Model problem solving skills.  Talk out loud as you try to solve a problem.  Set an example that they will see and follow!

You will solve a significant amount of the parenting puzzle if you teach your children to be problem solvers!

Love Roald Dahl!

"The more risks you allow children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves." -Roald Dahl

    Love this quote!   Children need to shine at success, learn from mistakes, and try all over again!   Confidence from trying!   Whether successful or not.

     How do we help them along the way?  Here are a few suggestions to help:

1.  Celebrate their effort.  Point out the effort they are putting into a learning experience.  This could be climbing the playground,  cheering when they roll over (just received a video with a grandchild at 3 1/2 months doing this today), trying for their driver's licence,  studying hard for a test, etc.   Point out the effort they have put into it.

2.  Don't take away their hope when trying a new thing.  I once asked a young girl to try something that was out of her comfort zone.  She was willing to try, and a few of us were there to help her along the way.   Her mother called me a few hours later and explained her daughter would not be doing this, because she (the mother) would be too nervous for her daughter to try.  I was so saddened by this.  The mother took the daughter's chance to succeed (or maybe not) at a new experience. 

3.  Let them fix their mistakes.  Support them along the way, but let your child be the one to correct what happened.  (with a friend, making a mess, not sharing, not turning in an homework assignment, etc.)

4.  Discuss with them what they could do different next time.   Mistakes happen, and share this with them, but help them to come up with a better solution for the future.    They may need your guidance, but don't tell them what to do different, guide them to the answer.

5.  Let them PLAY, PLAY & PLAY!   All ages need to play!   (Even adults)  Laugh with them and encourage play!   Children and adults learn so many things through play.   Allow them to climb that playground (it's ok to help but don't hover!)  Allow them to drive by themselves after they get their licence (the hardest part of parenting for me!!!)   Let them take the bus at the appropriate age.   Let them get in front of an audience and sing or dance or play a sport.  

Any other ideas you may have?  Please share....there are plenty of things you can do to let your child take healthy risks!  Let us know....

Up, up and away! Being aware of our children.

It has been awhile since I posted anything.  Been traveling to see 2 new grandbabies in two different places!   It has been wonderful.

On one of my many flights this month, I sat across the aisle from a mother and her son.   The minute she got on the plane, mom was engaged with her phone.  Her son was 3 years old and sat by the window across from me.  For about an hour, he was kicking the seat in front of him, yelling, and standing up (after the flight attendant had told mom several times that he had to be in his seatbelt).  Mom just basically ignored him.  There were no toys or books for this little guy to keep him entertained.  This went on for an hour.

So, I took my headphones off and engaged mom in a conversation.  Then I started playing with him.  We did fingerplays, songs, and games.  We counted my fingers and his over and over.  Mom engaged with us at this time.    We did this for about an hour.  It entertained us both.  We started descending to our city and his little ears hurt, so he started screaming again.  I said  "don't scream, use your words and tell mommy they hurt."  So he did.  We then played a yawning game and they popped. 


As we got off the plane, mom said  "you are really good with him!"  My thought was... she could have done the same thing, she just choose to ignore him when he needed to be entertained.   Those little spaces on a plane are confining!  They are so small for kids and adults!  (that's why I entertain myself with music or books). 


I have no problem with children on an airplane.  They have just as much right to be there as I do.  The problem (not the child, but the mother ignoring him) was solved when attention was paid to the little boy.  I know the people around us were really happy when I started playing with him.


One final thought... as I was in the terminal I heard from behind... "hey, you forgot me!"  My new little friend came running up and grabbed my hand.  I explained that his mommy would miss him if he came with me, so he had to stay with mommy.  She smiled and thanked me.   Maybe some teaching was done by example.  Hopefully the next flight they were about to get on was better for him!

Too High-Expectations

As I walked into the mud room the other day, this is what I saw: 

My daughter and her 3 children live in the apartment we have in the basement. They come through the shared mudroom to get to their place. I was always finding coats on the floor. It was driving me crazy! Now I know, mom walks in with three children, one is a baby, probably groceries, a diaper bag, preschool materials etc. It is hectic coming in the house with 3 little children. Were my expectations too high? Literally they were...

The children couldn't hang their coats up because the hooks were too high! So I solved the problem. I just put hooks lower, explained to the children where their coats go now and problem solved! We have had no more coats on the floor!

This is a simple solution, I understand, but it got me thinking about other expectations. Do we expect too much sometimes from our children?
For example..

Toddlers: We give them a plate of food and tell them to eat all of it. Most times, the portions are what we give them. Is it too much? Toddlers will eat tons at one meal and nothing but a few bites at another. 

Adolescents: Do we tell them to come home from friends at a certain time, yet they don't have a watch with an alarm to tell them what time it is? Do we expect them to constantly watch the clock to be home on time?

Teenagers: What are our expectations with them? Do we think they should have adult brains and adult experiences to make the correct choices all the time? 

I did believe we should teach our children responsibility and teach consequences for our actions, but we shouldn't EXPECT them to always be able to do those things we think they should do. I often hear from parents... "He knows better". This statement is a true statement, but remember how many times you had to be taught before you could make the right choice sometimes. Expect to teach them over and over. 

I don't believe you lower your standards and values in your family, those are strong and stay high! I do believe we sometimes need to lower what we expect of our children. Our EXPECTATIONS can be too high. Remember, they are learning through out their childhood. Have faith in them...help them through struggles (like the coats), problem solve with them and then see what they can do!