Problem Solving!

Hey all... back to the parenting blog!   Life seems to have its ups and downs and lately that is what we have been experiencing.   Taking my own advice on resiliency, we have decided to continue with the blog.  Hopefully we can reach more parents out there and help you solve that parenting puzzle we all seem to work on continuously.

Let’s start today with PROBLEM SOLVING!   This is a skill that every child can and should develop.   It is not one that happens naturally with most kids, in fact, it is a skill that is learned.   A child who can problem solve is less likely to engage in a power struggle with you.  

Teaching problem solving skills isn’t difficult.   You need to just back away and give your child the opportunity to think about a solution.  These moments come every day.  When a child is able to solve their own problems, he/she is more involved with that solution and will likely follow the plan rather than engage in a power struggle with you.

Let’s talk toddlers:   When my granddaughter, M was born her parents had a problem with older sibling J always wanting to pick her up.   Her parents sat down with her and guided the problem solving into a solution.  Every time she wanted to hold baby, she could ask mom or dad and they would help.  J remembered the solution because she was involved in the discussion.   If she was just told no all the time, she wouldn’t have been so invested in the solution.

Let’s talk kids:   You child continuously forgets homework at home.  It would be wise to sit down with the child and let them help you problem solve.  Listen to all the ideas for solutions.  Don’t discount them, even if you know that won’t work.   Come to an agreement and commit to that.  It could be your child has come up with the solution to put the homework right in the backpack after completion.  They have asked you to remind them one time.   You agree on this, with the stipulation that you will only remind once and then if they forget, the problem is theirs to deal with at school.  Your child is now invested in the solution.

Let’s talk Teenagers:  Curfew, the dreaded curfew!   Problem solving steps can be taken at this time.   The following guideline is an example of problem solving WITH your teenager.

• Talk about the problem/concern
• Discuss solutions (listen, listen, listen and write down ALL their ideas!)
• Talk about each idea and come to an agreement on which one works best
• Put the plan in action
• If it fails, TRY AGAIN!!!   

Think of your child and his/her success as an adult if they learn as a child how to solve problems.  Think about what you can do each day to encourage this.  When they ask you something, encourage them to think of the answer or solution.  Model problem solving skills.  Talk out loud as you try to solve a problem.  Set an example that they will see and follow!

You will solve a significant amount of the parenting puzzle if you teach your children to be problem solvers!

The Lying Game

Have you ever told a lie? When you did, why did you do it? Most people will tell a lie to protect themselves from embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval. As adults, this is interesting to think about. Now, I’m not saying that most adults lie, I try to be honest in my life as I’m sure you do also, but as I think over my many years I have told a lie and they were for the above reasons. (Now is the time to be honest with yourself! You have too )

Now, about our children. How do we teach our children to be honest? Children are going to lie for the reasons we read above. If you put them in a situation to experience embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval, they will lie. Is there a way to discipline without making our children lie to us? Let’s start with the following situation that happened with one of my grandchildren…

D.K. had been picking the paint off the walls by her bed. Her mother had asked her several times over a period of days, not to pick the paint off. One day mother walked in and more paint had been picked off.

Mother: “D.K., did you pick at the paint on the walls again?”

D.K.: “No, I didn’t”

Mother: “I can see you have, it’s not nice to tell lies. Lying hurts and makes you feel all yucky inside”

D.K.: “Well telling that lie didn’t make me feel all yucky inside!”

Although this was really a funny answer, Mom got caught in the trap that time. Now, I think my children are great parents, but we have all set up our children to lie to us at one time or another. Do we ask them a question when we already know the answer? This will invite a child to lie if they feel trapped. Here are a few ways to help children learn that lying really does hurt themselves and others, we do feel “yucky” inside and that telling the truth is best.

1. Don’t ask questions that can set up lying. As explained above, our questions often set up a child to learn to lie. They get caught in the thought
of embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval. We can be disappointed in what happened, but our conversation around that will teach them how to handle a critical conversation. The best way may be:
“I see you have been picking at the paint on the wall again. Do you think we can talk about something else you can do with your hands while you are trying to go to sleep?” You could also tell them why peeling the paint off the wall isn’t good and there may even be a consequence of helping to repair the wall (what that may be will depend on age and what they can handle).


2. You can ignore the lie and continue on with the consequence for the action.
Mother: (after D.K. told her the lie) “I see that there is more paint off the wall. What can we do to fix this?”
Mom had set the situation up for her child to lie, but ignore the lie and went on with information or consequence. Nice recovery!


3. Deal with the problem, not the child. Help children learn that it is ok to make a mistake. Sometimes that is all it is, a mistake and they had forgotten. By using discipline and consequences they can learn from those mistakes and move on. If you don’t overreact, they will know that mistakes happen and they won’t have to lie to you when they do.


4. You don’t always have to find out what happened. Sometimes when it involves two children, you will never get the right answer. They have a tendency to blame each other (sound familiar?). Remember, you don’t have to question and you don’t have to know the answer. Deal with the problem at hand, teach a better way to do it or use a consequence for them to learn a lesson.


5. Watch what is going on in your child’s life. Are there outside influences that may lead them to lie to you or others? Are they lying to teachers at
school? Is it because of teasing or bullying or anything else that you may see? Does your child show signs of low self-esteem?


6. Watch what is going on in your home. Is your child tired, sick, lonely, sad, embarrassed etc?


7. Watch how you react to your children when they do something they shouldn’t. Do they feel like they need your approval for love? Children need to know you love them no matter what.


8. Teach the importance of telling the truth at another time. A family meeting is the best time to teach this. Get the children involved by asking them how they could tell the truth in different settings, even when they know that what they did wasn’t right.


9. Problem solve with your child if it is an ongoing concern. State your concern, listen to your child’s solutions, give your solutions and let them help you come up with a plan when they feel like they are going to lie. If a child is involved in the solution, they will be more aware of it and want to follow through with the plan.


10.Always tell your child you appreciate the honest answer when they do tell you the truth. Consequences may still be appropriate, but self-esteem is not lowered when you let them know you appreciate the honesty.




Now, think back on my first question. Have you ever told a lie? Did you feel all “yucky” inside? The ones I remember did hurt me, as I still remember them and the “yucky” feelings I had when I did tell them. I am an adult now and understand that I was trying to protect myself, but it doesn’t make it right. The hurtful part comes in remembering how I felt at the time. Lesson learned for sure. Let’s teach our children those lessons with understanding and acceptance. Teach them how to express the truth without worrying about the results.


Laurie

Discipline - What it Really Means.

Positive discipline… do you hear those words all the time now? GOOD! Disciplining in a POSITIVE way will teach your children what is expected and leave both your children and yourself with self-esteem!

When we punish a child with extreme techniques (spanking, yelling, belittling, sarcasm, ignoring, etc.) we teach our children fear, resentment, and rebellion. Only the needs of the adult are met when punishment is used.

Discipline on the other hand, teaches the child what he should have done instead. It teaches life skills (yes, even at a toddler age) that he/she will use for life. It focuses on the solutions to problems, not the problem itself.

Does this mean we are letting them get away with the misbehaviour? Absolutely not, there are consequences to actions. It takes courage and hard work to parent with positive discipline techniques. Let’s talk about a few of those techniques in the coming posts. Stay tuned!