Mistakes and Misbehavior

I know parents are often at a loss as to what to do when children misbehave.  Particularly if it has to do with another child.   It is difficult, I know, to figure out who was at fault and how to teach them to behave nicely towards others.

May I make a few suggestions?   If children are unkind to others (this includes you!), here are 4 steps to help turn the negative into a learning experience.  If you use these steps often, it will become a habit for both you and your child.

1. Children need to understand what they did wrong.   Older kids can verbally tell you what happened...you have to guide little ones to understand.   Don't lecture or go on about what happened, remember we are trying to make this a positive learning moment.  Just make sure they understand what happened.

2.  Children also need to recognize that they had a part in the situation.  If they continue to say.."but it wasn't me" etc, just simply state that they were part of the problem.  Once they recognize this, move on.

3.  Next step is to make amends.   That may be an apology or replacing something.  It could be restoring something to its original state (cleaning up, washing a coloured wall etc).   Remember, apologies will be different for every child and every situation.   Some show it emotional, some just say the words.  This is ok, as we are teaching them what an apology is.

4.  My last suggestion is important and I think parents miss this step!  This is probably the biggest step to a positive learning opportunity.   Simply ask your child what they could do next time to avoid this situation.   Ask them what steps they can take when this problem occurs again.   Depending on age, with younger children you will have to tell them and with older children you can guide them into coming up with solutions.   A child is more able to remember what to do when the situation comes up again, if they are involved in the solution.

So remember:   Your children are going to make mistakes. It is a human thing to do.  We need to guide those mistakes into opportunities to learn how to do it better the next time.

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Weekly Goal: Play

Playing with our children is so important. Not only does it teach THEM to play, but shows them we want to be a part of THEIR world, not just having them in our world. Besides that, their world is much more fun!!

Printable 8x10 - right click, save and print! 

So go spend a little time in your kids' world. You'll be amazed by the magic and beauty!

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Bridges of Communication

“Mom, are you listening?”  “Dad, can I please, please, please?”  “No one ever listens to me!”  

Does this sound familiar?  If so, then let’s talk about communication and listening.  Listening  to your children shows respect.  Why is it that we expect them to always listen to us, yet we sometimes tend to ignore the things they are saying.   Granted, I will give you the fact that you are busy, you are possibly trying to listen to many young people all day long.  I get that.  Having said that, sometimes just listening to what your child is saying is enough to stop them from constant pleading or talking.

When communicating with others, we can set up barriers or bridges.  We want the communication in our homes constantly flowing, so building bridges is ideal.  Barriers such as dams in a river, will stop that flow.  Let’s look at some examples:

Barriers:

Threats – “If you don’t stop yelling, I’m sending you to your room!”

Lecturing – “If you don’t finish your homework, you will never get into university, and if you don’t get into university, you will never be able to support your family.  Get that homework done because you need to get those good grades.....”

Questioning – “Why did you...”  “How come you....”

Always giving advice or solutions -  “You should do this...”

Orders – “Take that trash out now!”

Blaming – “YOU ALWAYS make a mess...”

Denying feelings-  “Don’t feel bad...”

Can you see how each of these will stop communication?

Now let’s talk Bridges of Communication:

Bridges:

Stop what you are doing and listen with your whole self.  Look them in the eyes.  This takes time at the moment, but may save you plenty of time when there is not power struggle or whining.

Don’t blame the child,  look at the problem –example... “I see there is a mess on the floor!”  This gives the child a chance to tell themselves how to solve the concern.

Use the correct tone/body language – When we use a good tone with our children when making requests or speaking to them,  we are showing them respect.

Often just a word or two is better than a lecture.  Children will listen better is you just say something in a few words.  “boots off”,  “clean bathroom”,  “keys please”,  “homework”.

Watch your questions.  -  It’s ok to use questions such as “how could you have handled that differently...?”  “how do you see it...?”   If you use questions at all, make them thought provoking and not questioning why they did something.

You don’t always have to have a solution – “guiding them by listening and acknowledging is often the best route to take”

Understand that they are feeling the way they do – Acknowledge they have a certain feeling, even if you don’t think they should.  They will tell you how they feel if you let them.

Remember... after listening your answer may still be “no”.  If this is the case, simply state... “I heard what you said, and my answer is no.”  The acknowledgment that you heard may be enough to stop the whining.  (They may be mad you sad no, but that is ok.  Disappointment is an emotion that children need to learn to handle)

These bridges of communication are goals we all need to strive for in relationships.  Believe me,  you want your children talking to you... not their peers.  If you don’t feel like you have that communication now, use these techniques and I guarantee you, it will get better!

Up, up and away! Being aware of our children.

It has been awhile since I posted anything.  Been traveling to see 2 new grandbabies in two different places!   It has been wonderful.

On one of my many flights this month, I sat across the aisle from a mother and her son.   The minute she got on the plane, mom was engaged with her phone.  Her son was 3 years old and sat by the window across from me.  For about an hour, he was kicking the seat in front of him, yelling, and standing up (after the flight attendant had told mom several times that he had to be in his seatbelt).  Mom just basically ignored him.  There were no toys or books for this little guy to keep him entertained.  This went on for an hour.

So, I took my headphones off and engaged mom in a conversation.  Then I started playing with him.  We did fingerplays, songs, and games.  We counted my fingers and his over and over.  Mom engaged with us at this time.    We did this for about an hour.  It entertained us both.  We started descending to our city and his little ears hurt, so he started screaming again.  I said  "don't scream, use your words and tell mommy they hurt."  So he did.  We then played a yawning game and they popped. 


As we got off the plane, mom said  "you are really good with him!"  My thought was... she could have done the same thing, she just choose to ignore him when he needed to be entertained.   Those little spaces on a plane are confining!  They are so small for kids and adults!  (that's why I entertain myself with music or books). 


I have no problem with children on an airplane.  They have just as much right to be there as I do.  The problem (not the child, but the mother ignoring him) was solved when attention was paid to the little boy.  I know the people around us were really happy when I started playing with him.


One final thought... as I was in the terminal I heard from behind... "hey, you forgot me!"  My new little friend came running up and grabbed my hand.  I explained that his mommy would miss him if he came with me, so he had to stay with mommy.  She smiled and thanked me.   Maybe some teaching was done by example.  Hopefully the next flight they were about to get on was better for him!

Aha! and Haha! Moments

We've all heard of “Aha! Moments” where we realize something or understand something. (Webster's Dictionary: a moment of sudden realization, inspiration, insight, recognition, or comprehension)  I want to talk about “HaHa Moments”.  Those moments when you just have to laugh! 

Here’s a great example shared by a friend of mine, Rachelle, that happened with her 5 year old son.   The pictures that are included are actual pictures of the event.  When I saw these, I laughed out loud!  It was clearly an example of a HaHa moment!

 “I had asked my son to clean up his room one night. When I went upstairs to check on him I walked into his room and noticed his room was completely empty!

I had expected to find everything shoved under his bed and in his closet,  but to my dismay as I turned around I noticed my own room was barricaded with all of his belongings!

My son was standing there in the doorway and then he turned to me and said "No Mom! You go clean your room!"  I didn't know if I should be furious or impressed, however, after a discussion about how if he couldn't take care of his belongings and put them back where they belong they would be given to another boy, he understood the gravity of the situation. 

And then he was asked to clean up the proper way!”

HaHa moment for sure!   Mom certainly handled the situation the right way.  Sometimes you just have to laugh.  Did he have to take the time to put it all back?  Of course he did.   Would yelling at him or punishing him in anyway have solved the situation any better?  Of course not!   Would he have learned more if she had spanked him?  No, in fact it would have had a negative effect on the whole situation!   He was trying to be funny and use a HaHa moment himself.   His self-Esteem would have gone down, respect for child and parent would have diminished.  Was it funny?  YES!  His personality was in play at the time!   Could mom laugh?  Of course she could (and did!).  The rest of us laughed too!   Did he have to take care of the whole mess?  YES… there are consequences to our actions!  Yet, mom certainly used her sense of humor.

 Using your sense of humor in parenting, easing the tension, leaves self respect intact and can even be used as a teaching moment.    As a family, my adult children still talk about the times that humor was used in teaching a lesson, rather than punishment.   Longer lasting lessons are learned when you use your sense of humor.

Think of someone you know that has a good sense of humor (not sarcasm, that is different.  We will talk about sarcasm at another time).  When you think of that person, doesn't it make you want to be around them?   My father has a wonderful sense of humor and my children and now my grandchildren talk about him all the time with love in their voices as they do!  Everyone wants to invite Grandpa B to all our events.  We love to be around him.   Your children will think the same of you if you use your humor in a way to teach.

Caution again:  We aren't going to use a joke or a sense of humor in all teaching.   You can go overboard.   Also, don’t make fun of your children or use sarcasm when using your humor.  This will backfire!   You do need to always use your kind and understanding self, even when not laughing!

 So… try to change your view of things.  Laugh WITH your children!  Find those “HaHa moments” in your parenting!

Yes or No?

Here's an interesting question to ask yourself... Can you say YES instead of NO?  


There are several ways to say YES to our children instead of always saying NO! Let me give you an example...from my own interaction with my grandchild. Now keep in mind I teach these skills to parents all the time and I blew it this time! ( a good lesson that we all make mistakes!)





We were enjoying a fun family evening around the camp-fire eating s'mores. (A favorite treat around a fire). My grandson C.A., had eaten his quota of two s'mores that evening... 








C.A.: "Grandma, can I have another s'more?" 

Me: "No, you have already had two" 

(C.A. Goes into 3 year old mode of crying and slight tantrum to view his disappointment...)
C.A.: "I want another one, I want another one!" 

(Enter his mother to the camp-fire at this moment. She hadn't heard anything that had happened yet) 

C.A. runs to his mother and says: "Mommy, I want another s'more" 

Mother: "Yes, C.A., tomorrow!" 

C.A.: "Okay"

He then runs off to play! 








Whoa, what just happened here? I teach these skills all the time and I totally missed this time! Mom answered yes... That he could have one and told him when. He was completely satisfied!Now, does this mean we never say no to our children? Of course not. Often no is required and a simple no should do. You can explain why once, but you don't have to explain over and over. Yet too often we say no without even thinking. It can sometimes be an automatic response. We do know better, we do know that two s'mores is enough for a three year old, but rephrasing it into a YES response would have saved me and my grandson from the power tantrum! 











"Yes, we will go to the park when it stops raining!" 

"Yes, you can play with your friend, after you do your homework." 

"Yes, you can watch a movie, after you help me with the dishes." 

"Yes, you can take my car to the mall, but I would like you to pay for some gas." 











Saying YES some of the time (or most of the time) will ease the disappointment and might even tame a struggle. One note of caution though, make sure you follow through with what you say. If you don't, children will soon learn (very soon I might add!) that you don't mean what you say and the struggle will happen even when you say yes! 







So remember... You can often say YES instead of NO! Try it and see if it works for you. It may take more than once, they need to trust you will follow through.  





Comment below and let us know of your successes!

Wewax!

I love the lessons little children teach us.   For example:

A.J.:  *Age 3, on sofa, hands behind head, legs crossed*

Nana:  “A.J., what are you doing?”

A.J.:  “Nana, I just want to wewax!” (translation:  I just want to relax!)

There is a lesson for all of us in that story…sometimes relaxing is the best tool for parenting.  When things get uptight, overwhelming and you feel you can’t go on (or hear one more whine, cry or MOM!), just relax!  This will calm your soul, calm your mind and calm your spirit. 

Being a parent is hard!!  No argument there.  I believe we sometimes need to relax about events in our homes.   Misbehaviour is often a result of parents over reacting.  Children put up a defence and take to arguing, name calling and sometimes violence.   

Do you escalate when something goes wrong?   Do you react too quickly and then are upset when you punish too harsh? 

Take time before you react.  Relax your body and mind.  I often say “go to your happy place”.  (My happy place is pictured below… this is where my mind goes when frustrated!) Then deal with the situation appropriately.  For young toddlers, this breath of calm shouldn't be too long or they will forget what they have done.  With older children and teenagers, you can say “I need a few minutes”, then return when you are calmer.

I also think you should relax more when things are going well.  You know why they tell you on an airplane to put the oxygen mask on you first before you put it on your child?  Ya, you can’t help your child if you are passed out.  Same with parenting.

So… one thing to remember in this parenting puzzle…  “Just WEWAX!”

Thank you A.J. for reminding me of this!