Iceberg Ahead!

You've seen or heard of the iceberg analogy I'm sure.   When looking at an iceburg we see only about 10% of the ice.  The rest of it is underneath.

Let's say that top 10% is the behavior we see in our children.   When things aren't going so good, let's try to stop and look at the 90% underneath.   What could that 90% be?

Let me suggest a few things.   Stress, lack of sleep, hungry, angry, bored, sick, temperament, personality, frustration....

When a problem occurs, it is better to deal with the part in the 90% than just the tip we can see.   If we deal with the tip only, it doesn't solve the problem, it only stops the behavior at that moment.

Let me give you an example.   One of my children had a hard time at around 5:00 at night, every night!   At first, I just dealt with it daily, but it never solve the problem underneath that was causing this.   I finally realized that she was absolutely hungry at that time.  Even though she had an after school snack, her body at that time was needing nutrients!   So, once I realized this, at 5:00 I would give her a half an apple, an orange, frozen peas, or something nutritious. If she didn't eat as much at dinner, it wasn't a concern as the snack was always healthy.  (That wasn't ever a concern though, as she seemed to need to eat at night!).  The top 10% (behavior) was solved, when I realized what might be in the 90% that was causing it!

Often we think children need to be punished and that is how they learn.   I say to look at what might be the cause of the problem and solve that piece, and the behavior will improve.   So, dive and explore underneath and try to see all the iceberg!

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Mistakes and Misbehavior

I know parents are often at a loss as to what to do when children misbehave.  Particularly if it has to do with another child.   It is difficult, I know, to figure out who was at fault and how to teach them to behave nicely towards others.

May I make a few suggestions?   If children are unkind to others (this includes you!), here are 4 steps to help turn the negative into a learning experience.  If you use these steps often, it will become a habit for both you and your child.

1. Children need to understand what they did wrong.   Older kids can verbally tell you what happened...you have to guide little ones to understand.   Don't lecture or go on about what happened, remember we are trying to make this a positive learning moment.  Just make sure they understand what happened.

2.  Children also need to recognize that they had a part in the situation.  If they continue to say.."but it wasn't me" etc, just simply state that they were part of the problem.  Once they recognize this, move on.

3.  Next step is to make amends.   That may be an apology or replacing something.  It could be restoring something to its original state (cleaning up, washing a coloured wall etc).   Remember, apologies will be different for every child and every situation.   Some show it emotional, some just say the words.  This is ok, as we are teaching them what an apology is.

4.  My last suggestion is important and I think parents miss this step!  This is probably the biggest step to a positive learning opportunity.   Simply ask your child what they could do next time to avoid this situation.   Ask them what steps they can take when this problem occurs again.   Depending on age, with younger children you will have to tell them and with older children you can guide them into coming up with solutions.   A child is more able to remember what to do when the situation comes up again, if they are involved in the solution.

So remember:   Your children are going to make mistakes. It is a human thing to do.  We need to guide those mistakes into opportunities to learn how to do it better the next time.

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Attitude of Gratitude

Ahhh... My favorite time of the year!   I have always loved December and Christmas!   A time for sharing, teaching children about giving and service.  We also teach them to think of others and about kindness!  I LOVE this!

I believe it is also a good time to teach our children about gratitude.   In a world of instant gratification, it is easy for a child to forget to be thankful for what they have and receive.   We need to step back in time when it comes to gratitude.   Let me give you a few suggestions.

- take time to write thank you cards

- take time to make a phone call to thank those not present at the moment

- send an email with a special thank you from your child

- say thank you when receiving a gift

- talk with them about the importance of a simple thank you and being grateful

- model gratitude

- say "you're welcome".  ( our society is forgetting this piece.  You will hear "no problem" or something similar.   Teach children and remember yourself to say "you're welcome".

- if it is gift they may not appreciate or like, teach them how to say thank you in a polite way.

Saying thank you seems simple, but it doesn't come naturally for most children.     However, gratitude and saying thank you will come naturally when it becomes a habit.   Make it a habit in your family!

Merry Christmas (Happy whatever you celebrate) and THANK YOU 😉 for being a part of the Parenting Piece family!

Laurie and Christie

It's Not Fair!!

"That's not fair!"  "She has more than me!"  "You love him more than me!"  Have you ever heard these words?   In a child's mind...it is true. They are all or nothing.... if you give your love to them, there is nothing for me!   That is natural for them to think this way...but they are teachable.   They can be taught to look at fairness in a whole new way.  Fair doesn't always mean equal.   There can be enough for everyone.

It's not always your job to fix the problem.  If you let your children learn to talk it out and not get you involved, it teaches problem solving.  Too often we don't want children to feel disappointment or jealousy in the family.   I think children need to feel this emotions at times, to learn how to deal with them.   It's O.K. for them to be upset about something they don't see as fair.   A nice conversation when things have cooled down might be the best way to help them understand.   Having said that, it's not always necessary.

If one child is overpowering another too often, a talk with both at separate times and at a calm time is appropriate.   To the one being "taken advantages of in sharing", possibly ask them what they could say or do the next time that happens.  Empower them to stick up for what they deem to be fair.   You could ask the same thing to the child who seems to always get their way.   A simple conversation can change the way THEY handle it the next time.

I know one parent who says "I don't do fair". It seems now the number of "not fair" comments have decreased.  Dad doesn't buy into it or let it push his buttons.

Other ways to handle the NOT FAIR attitude in your home could include:

-Validate their feeling without solving the problem.
-Let them know you have confidence they can work this out and praise them when they do
-When they say "it's not fair"  you can explain your decision, but only once.  (Use your best judgement as a parent on this, you don't always have to explain!)  If they continue, you ask them to explain back to you.  They usually calm down at this time.
-If it is an on going problem, sit down with that child and do scenarios to help them with problem solving.  Make it fun as you teach the lesson.
-And as always my favorite parenting technique ever is to spend one on one time with each child.   Develop that relationship!  As you do this, the jealousy and fairness attitudes will decrease as your child learns that he/she is important to you no matter what another child or person receives.

Daily Reminders

I really want to talk about one of my favorite quotes that I have in my home...it is a daily reminder of what is important in my life.

"Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved!"  Thomas S Monson

I love these words.  If each of us used this in our parenting, then more compassion, more empathy, more understanding, more forgiving and more teaching would be felt.

Short post with a huge thought!   Share with us how you could or already do use this in your life!

Two Words to stop yelling, rudeness, meltdowns, and more!!

Two calm words to stop yelling, rudeness and power struggles (and more!)

I have to tell you that this idea came from my daughter.  Where she heard it first, I have no idea, but I LOVE the results she sees when she uses these words.  I now teach them in every class I teach on discipline.  Parents come back with positive results!   I would love to flood the world with these two words!

 "Try again"

Wow!   Two simple words.  

When are children are speaking rudely, excitedly, not using manners, yelling, meltdowns, not sharing, hitting, eye rolling, bad language, loud, anxious......(the list goes on) then try "try again".

Think of what results you can get.   It is a reminder that their tone, body language, or words are not appropriate and they need to stop and try it all over. When they "try again" and it's appropriate, then answer calmly with your response. Don't remind them that they were wrong the first time.  They already know this from your "try again" response.  

These words work well with all children.  They work even with the most challenging situations you and your child may be experiencing. My four year old grandson has been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder and the words "try again" help him to stop and regroup and focus on what he wants to say.

The 2 word simple phrase also works with all ages; toddler to teen.  

One reason (among many) that I love these two words is because they respect both you and the child.   

Words of caution:   You may be doing this over and over throughout their childhood/teenage years. This will be common as our children are still learning.  

Good news is you will find having to use it less and less as you don't engage in power struggles.

REMEMBER:  You are actually encouraging and teaching more by using these two simple words than any lecture or yelling or power struggle ever will teach!  

Side effect: this keeps YOU calmer too and less stress and anxiety in the home.  

So....Try "TRY AGAIN" *Editors note* - Christie here (Laurie's Daughter). My son (he will be 5 in January) was diagnosed recently with Sensory Processing Disorder (read about it here!). Not only are most of his senses overloaded with more stimuli than the average person (their brains do not block out the stimuli that normal brains block out because it is unimportant or irrelevant to their current situation) he also sometimes do not receive enough stimuli to certain senses, causing SPD kids to SEEK it (you will commonly find my son watching TV upside down, simply because it adds more stimuli to his brain).The emotional reactions to said stimuli (or lack thereof) is also hard to manage for him, because his brain is trying to hard to manage all the other stimuli going on around him. Sometimes, he just gets WAY too excited about something, and usually ends up yelling too loudly, or running up to Nana and crashing into her on his way to one of his rare hugs (hugs aren't a thing usually because he doesn't like the way it feels - stimuli thing again... touch is a hard one for him). Sometimes he just doesn't know why he is sad or overwhelmed so he tries to make up reasons that he is.

ANYWAY, one time while on a trip to visit my sister, I heard her use her "try again" with her children. It worked so well! I came home and started using it on my kids (specifically my son, who was not yet diagnosed). It is WONDERFUL! Sometimes due to lack or too much stimuli around him, he doesn't know how loud his voice is, or too whiny, or too mean, or rude, etc. But if I simply say "try again", he stops and thinks "oh... how did I say that? why do I have to try again?" and it helps HIM to realize what he is doing. If I simply tell him, he can't tune out other stimuli enough to listen to me. But if HE figures it out, he does a much better job at correcting the problem himself! At first I had to explain to my older kids what I meant by try again. But once they caught on, all I have to say is "try again". And now my 2 year old knows what I mean by it, because she has seen me use it with the older kids. Awesome! Seriously, try it for a while. It will change your life!

COURAGE

In light of recent happenings and events in the world, this word has been on my mind as I think of children.  My thoughts are on our children and those who live in the areas that are bombarded with hatred.    I see the courage these children have on a constant basis.  Going to bed at night, some looking for food for their families, others watch friends and family die, some are dealing with death in their “peaceful” countries.  

I believe OUR children need to learn this word, COURAGE.   They may never have to deal with a war torn country (we hope, we pray) but it is around their world constantly.   Technology shows us what is happening all over the word in an instant!  We all know this.   Some of our children see this and don’t understand where these events are happening and it causes great anxiety and fear.

We need to shield our younger children as much as possible.   These little ones aren’t reading the news or going on the internet, but they see and they hear.  I learned this a few years ago when there were devastating floods in our area.  I had picked up some of my grandchildren that very day to stay with us for a week.  It was all over the radio and tv.   We watched the news all day.  As adults we are aware that often the same event is shown over and over on the news.   To my grandchildren, as they heard it while playing or saw it on tv, they thought it was happening all over again.  Every time they saw a broadcast of the floods, it was new to them.  Turn off the tv, or watch when they aren’t around.

The same thing happens when we watch events all over the world.  It may be the same event, but to young children this is happening again and again.  

Children who are in school are going to hear and see things.  They may even study these events.  This can frighten some children.  Teenagers, of course, know what is going on and there are those that are afraid (although they may not express this).

Communicate with your children.  Watch their expressions, the things they say and even the things they don’t say.    LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to them.

I would like to add another suggestion:

TEACH THEM COURAGE

We need to teach our children to have courage; courage in the words they use, courage to stand up for that which they believe, courage to face another day, and courage to look at the good in the world.  They need to have courage on the playground, courage in their families, courage in the schools, courage in their workplace, courage on the sports field, and courage in the world.

This starts with telling them what courage means.  Talk about the word often, point out times they had courage, read books, tell them stories of courageous people (including yourself).  Children may surprise you at some point how courageous they can be.  One of our young grandchildren stood up to a bully who was picking on a friend with a disability.  That is COURAGE.  If they learn courage in their little world, it is easier to have courage in the big world.  When children feel courageous they will have power within themselves; power to change the world, power to stand up to those that are mean or evil, power to do what it right.

Model courage yourself.  Be a change in the way people talk about others.  Have courage to say something when you see someone who is not being treated fairly.  Have an attitude of courage.

Having courage, even just an understanding of the word, gives our children hope in whatever circumstances they are in.   It gives them power to handle the situations they see in this world.  For some children, it gives them life.

Bridges of Communication

“Mom, are you listening?”  “Dad, can I please, please, please?”  “No one ever listens to me!”  

Does this sound familiar?  If so, then let’s talk about communication and listening.  Listening  to your children shows respect.  Why is it that we expect them to always listen to us, yet we sometimes tend to ignore the things they are saying.   Granted, I will give you the fact that you are busy, you are possibly trying to listen to many young people all day long.  I get that.  Having said that, sometimes just listening to what your child is saying is enough to stop them from constant pleading or talking.

When communicating with others, we can set up barriers or bridges.  We want the communication in our homes constantly flowing, so building bridges is ideal.  Barriers such as dams in a river, will stop that flow.  Let’s look at some examples:

Barriers:

Threats – “If you don’t stop yelling, I’m sending you to your room!”

Lecturing – “If you don’t finish your homework, you will never get into university, and if you don’t get into university, you will never be able to support your family.  Get that homework done because you need to get those good grades.....”

Questioning – “Why did you...”  “How come you....”

Always giving advice or solutions -  “You should do this...”

Orders – “Take that trash out now!”

Blaming – “YOU ALWAYS make a mess...”

Denying feelings-  “Don’t feel bad...”

Can you see how each of these will stop communication?

Now let’s talk Bridges of Communication:

Bridges:

Stop what you are doing and listen with your whole self.  Look them in the eyes.  This takes time at the moment, but may save you plenty of time when there is not power struggle or whining.

Don’t blame the child,  look at the problem –example... “I see there is a mess on the floor!”  This gives the child a chance to tell themselves how to solve the concern.

Use the correct tone/body language – When we use a good tone with our children when making requests or speaking to them,  we are showing them respect.

Often just a word or two is better than a lecture.  Children will listen better is you just say something in a few words.  “boots off”,  “clean bathroom”,  “keys please”,  “homework”.

Watch your questions.  -  It’s ok to use questions such as “how could you have handled that differently...?”  “how do you see it...?”   If you use questions at all, make them thought provoking and not questioning why they did something.

You don’t always have to have a solution – “guiding them by listening and acknowledging is often the best route to take”

Understand that they are feeling the way they do – Acknowledge they have a certain feeling, even if you don’t think they should.  They will tell you how they feel if you let them.

Remember... after listening your answer may still be “no”.  If this is the case, simply state... “I heard what you said, and my answer is no.”  The acknowledgment that you heard may be enough to stop the whining.  (They may be mad you sad no, but that is ok.  Disappointment is an emotion that children need to learn to handle)

These bridges of communication are goals we all need to strive for in relationships.  Believe me,  you want your children talking to you... not their peers.  If you don’t feel like you have that communication now, use these techniques and I guarantee you, it will get better!

Are You Their Friend AND Parent?

Have you seen this quote lately?  

  Every time I see it, thoughts run through my head.   (Don't ask me what those are).  The thought that sticks out mainly is...Why can't moms and dads be both; parents and friend?

I looked up the definition of both words:

Parent:  

be or act as a mother or father to (someone).

"the warmth and attention that are the hallmarks of good parenting"

synonyms:

raise, bring up, look after, take care of, rear

Friend:  

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: 

So, thinking through this statement of "I am not your friend, I am your parent" really doesn't make sense when raising children.  I understand we are going to protect our children and teach them to make wise decisions, but parenting is not stalking, hunting them down or even being their worst nightmare!   Parenting is advocating for your child when needed, helping them through mistakes they make and guiding them to make correct decisions.   

Yes, as they get older, they may think you are a bad nightmare (and I'm sure that is basically what this statement is about) but, if we discipline and teach with a caring heart, children will learn more and show more respect for you.  Respect should be from both child AND parent.  The statement above is not a statement of respect from the parent.  

My father had boundaries and guidelines for me to follow.  Did I like them all?  No!   Did I think he was my worst nightmare? No!   I may not have agreed with him, maybe even have been mad at him at times, but never did I think of him as a stalker, or an enemy or nightmare. 

So, ideas on how to be the parent your child respects?  ( doesn't mean always agrees with, but respects you and your boundaries).   Let's rewrite this statement!

"I am your friend AND I am your parent!  

I will walk beside you and guide you.

I will discuss with you your concerns and mine.

I will listen to you always, in turn I hope you listen to me.

I have you in my dreams and I hope your dreams are happy, too.

When mistakes are made, I want you to know you can come to me!  ALWAYS!  This way we can learn together, to make it better next time.

Because I love you!"

I like this statement so much better!  The only problem I see with it, is it doesn't fit on a decorative board like the other one!  :)

So, can we be friend AND parent?  Of course we can!   

As the definition of the words friend and parent states, we can "be and act as a mother or father" and "be the person our child knows, likes, and trusts!"  

Laurie

The Lying Game

Have you ever told a lie? When you did, why did you do it? Most people will tell a lie to protect themselves from embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval. As adults, this is interesting to think about. Now, I’m not saying that most adults lie, I try to be honest in my life as I’m sure you do also, but as I think over my many years I have told a lie and they were for the above reasons. (Now is the time to be honest with yourself! You have too )

Now, about our children. How do we teach our children to be honest? Children are going to lie for the reasons we read above. If you put them in a situation to experience embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval, they will lie. Is there a way to discipline without making our children lie to us? Let’s start with the following situation that happened with one of my grandchildren…

D.K. had been picking the paint off the walls by her bed. Her mother had asked her several times over a period of days, not to pick the paint off. One day mother walked in and more paint had been picked off.

Mother: “D.K., did you pick at the paint on the walls again?”

D.K.: “No, I didn’t”

Mother: “I can see you have, it’s not nice to tell lies. Lying hurts and makes you feel all yucky inside”

D.K.: “Well telling that lie didn’t make me feel all yucky inside!”

Although this was really a funny answer, Mom got caught in the trap that time. Now, I think my children are great parents, but we have all set up our children to lie to us at one time or another. Do we ask them a question when we already know the answer? This will invite a child to lie if they feel trapped. Here are a few ways to help children learn that lying really does hurt themselves and others, we do feel “yucky” inside and that telling the truth is best.

1. Don’t ask questions that can set up lying. As explained above, our questions often set up a child to learn to lie. They get caught in the thought
of embarrassment, punishment, rejection or disapproval. We can be disappointed in what happened, but our conversation around that will teach them how to handle a critical conversation. The best way may be:
“I see you have been picking at the paint on the wall again. Do you think we can talk about something else you can do with your hands while you are trying to go to sleep?” You could also tell them why peeling the paint off the wall isn’t good and there may even be a consequence of helping to repair the wall (what that may be will depend on age and what they can handle).


2. You can ignore the lie and continue on with the consequence for the action.
Mother: (after D.K. told her the lie) “I see that there is more paint off the wall. What can we do to fix this?”
Mom had set the situation up for her child to lie, but ignore the lie and went on with information or consequence. Nice recovery!


3. Deal with the problem, not the child. Help children learn that it is ok to make a mistake. Sometimes that is all it is, a mistake and they had forgotten. By using discipline and consequences they can learn from those mistakes and move on. If you don’t overreact, they will know that mistakes happen and they won’t have to lie to you when they do.


4. You don’t always have to find out what happened. Sometimes when it involves two children, you will never get the right answer. They have a tendency to blame each other (sound familiar?). Remember, you don’t have to question and you don’t have to know the answer. Deal with the problem at hand, teach a better way to do it or use a consequence for them to learn a lesson.


5. Watch what is going on in your child’s life. Are there outside influences that may lead them to lie to you or others? Are they lying to teachers at
school? Is it because of teasing or bullying or anything else that you may see? Does your child show signs of low self-esteem?


6. Watch what is going on in your home. Is your child tired, sick, lonely, sad, embarrassed etc?


7. Watch how you react to your children when they do something they shouldn’t. Do they feel like they need your approval for love? Children need to know you love them no matter what.


8. Teach the importance of telling the truth at another time. A family meeting is the best time to teach this. Get the children involved by asking them how they could tell the truth in different settings, even when they know that what they did wasn’t right.


9. Problem solve with your child if it is an ongoing concern. State your concern, listen to your child’s solutions, give your solutions and let them help you come up with a plan when they feel like they are going to lie. If a child is involved in the solution, they will be more aware of it and want to follow through with the plan.


10.Always tell your child you appreciate the honest answer when they do tell you the truth. Consequences may still be appropriate, but self-esteem is not lowered when you let them know you appreciate the honesty.




Now, think back on my first question. Have you ever told a lie? Did you feel all “yucky” inside? The ones I remember did hurt me, as I still remember them and the “yucky” feelings I had when I did tell them. I am an adult now and understand that I was trying to protect myself, but it doesn’t make it right. The hurtful part comes in remembering how I felt at the time. Lesson learned for sure. Let’s teach our children those lessons with understanding and acceptance. Teach them how to express the truth without worrying about the results.


Laurie

Feelings - Validating Them

Emotions and Feelings are a HUGE part of misbehaviour.  Whenever I facilitate a multi-week course, I start with validating feelings and children’s emotions.   If a parent doesn't understand how a child feels, they cannot discipline in a positive way.

Understanding their emotions is easy to do.   A simple statement will bring the feeling out.  “I see you are angry”, or “I understand you are sad”.    You can use these with all age children.

Toddlers:  “I know you are sad that she took your toy…”

Young children:  “I see that must be frustrating for you…”

School age:  “That sounds embarrassing…”

Teenagers:  “You seem mad…”

These simple statements open the door to communication.   What if you say the wrong emotion? Children will automatically tell you how they are feeling… “I'm not sad, I'm mad!”   Great!  You have just taught them how to acknowledge their own feelings!   A great life skill to have.  One piece to the puzzle solved!  

I had a young dad come up to me one time and say  “I don’t have any feelings or emotions, so this is not going to work!”   First off, I don’t believe anyone is free of emotions, he just may not know how to express them properly.  Secondly, this isn't about his emotions, it is about the child's!   We are not trying to get them to be out of control emotionally as they grow.  We are just telling them we understand that they feel that way.  We let them know that it is okay to feel that way.   It’s also an open door to more conversation about what is happening to them at the time.

So, now you have validated their feeling , what do you do next?   Let’s  take a look at the above examples again…

Toddlers:  “I know you are sad that she took your toy…but we don’t hit our sister!”

Young children:  “I see that must be frustrating for you…but we don’t whine, we use our words.”

School age:  “That sounds embarrassing…do you want to talk more about it?”

Teenagers:  “You seem mad…want to cool off a bit and then chat some more?”

Do you see how these words can open the door to conversation so that you can teach or discipline in a respectful manner? 

What if you were to take the above examples and respond like this..

“Don’t hit your sister!  I don’t care if you are mad!”

“Quit whining…I'm not going to help you if you are whining!”

“Stop sulking!  Tell me what is wrong!”

“Change that attitude.   Getting angry doesn't solve your problem!”

Now with these responses, where does the child go?  To a state of rebellion, resentment, and discouragement.  They will not be willing to talk to you about what happened and things just get worse.  

Validating feelings is one piece to the positive discipline technique!

So… before discipline, teaching or helping a child, validate that you understand their emotion.  Then see what happens next!