COURAGE

In light of recent happenings and events in the world, this word has been on my mind as I think of children.  My thoughts are on our children and those who live in the areas that are bombarded with hatred.    I see the courage these children have on a constant basis.  Going to bed at night, some looking for food for their families, others watch friends and family die, some are dealing with death in their “peaceful” countries.  

I believe OUR children need to learn this word, COURAGE.   They may never have to deal with a war torn country (we hope, we pray) but it is around their world constantly.   Technology shows us what is happening all over the word in an instant!  We all know this.   Some of our children see this and don’t understand where these events are happening and it causes great anxiety and fear.

We need to shield our younger children as much as possible.   These little ones aren’t reading the news or going on the internet, but they see and they hear.  I learned this a few years ago when there were devastating floods in our area.  I had picked up some of my grandchildren that very day to stay with us for a week.  It was all over the radio and tv.   We watched the news all day.  As adults we are aware that often the same event is shown over and over on the news.   To my grandchildren, as they heard it while playing or saw it on tv, they thought it was happening all over again.  Every time they saw a broadcast of the floods, it was new to them.  Turn off the tv, or watch when they aren’t around.

The same thing happens when we watch events all over the world.  It may be the same event, but to young children this is happening again and again.  

Children who are in school are going to hear and see things.  They may even study these events.  This can frighten some children.  Teenagers, of course, know what is going on and there are those that are afraid (although they may not express this).

Communicate with your children.  Watch their expressions, the things they say and even the things they don’t say.    LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to them.

I would like to add another suggestion:

TEACH THEM COURAGE

We need to teach our children to have courage; courage in the words they use, courage to stand up for that which they believe, courage to face another day, and courage to look at the good in the world.  They need to have courage on the playground, courage in their families, courage in the schools, courage in their workplace, courage on the sports field, and courage in the world.

This starts with telling them what courage means.  Talk about the word often, point out times they had courage, read books, tell them stories of courageous people (including yourself).  Children may surprise you at some point how courageous they can be.  One of our young grandchildren stood up to a bully who was picking on a friend with a disability.  That is COURAGE.  If they learn courage in their little world, it is easier to have courage in the big world.  When children feel courageous they will have power within themselves; power to change the world, power to stand up to those that are mean or evil, power to do what it right.

Model courage yourself.  Be a change in the way people talk about others.  Have courage to say something when you see someone who is not being treated fairly.  Have an attitude of courage.

Having courage, even just an understanding of the word, gives our children hope in whatever circumstances they are in.   It gives them power to handle the situations they see in this world.  For some children, it gives them life.

American Thanksgiving

The American Thanksgiving Season is upon us (Canadian Thanksgiving for us was in October). With that in mind, here is a link to an adorable Gratitude Tree! I love this idea for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Hanukkah, or whatever you happen to Celebrate this season!  Such a cute idea to help get your kids in the grateful mood, no matter what you celebrate. Have you kids help build the tree, find a place for it, and have help them cut out the leaves (under parental supervision of course). Have the older kids help write the younger kids' ideas. Love it! Thanks to The R House for this adorable idea!

Bridges of Communication

“Mom, are you listening?”  “Dad, can I please, please, please?”  “No one ever listens to me!”  

Does this sound familiar?  If so, then let’s talk about communication and listening.  Listening  to your children shows respect.  Why is it that we expect them to always listen to us, yet we sometimes tend to ignore the things they are saying.   Granted, I will give you the fact that you are busy, you are possibly trying to listen to many young people all day long.  I get that.  Having said that, sometimes just listening to what your child is saying is enough to stop them from constant pleading or talking.

When communicating with others, we can set up barriers or bridges.  We want the communication in our homes constantly flowing, so building bridges is ideal.  Barriers such as dams in a river, will stop that flow.  Let’s look at some examples:

Barriers:

Threats – “If you don’t stop yelling, I’m sending you to your room!”

Lecturing – “If you don’t finish your homework, you will never get into university, and if you don’t get into university, you will never be able to support your family.  Get that homework done because you need to get those good grades.....”

Questioning – “Why did you...”  “How come you....”

Always giving advice or solutions -  “You should do this...”

Orders – “Take that trash out now!”

Blaming – “YOU ALWAYS make a mess...”

Denying feelings-  “Don’t feel bad...”

Can you see how each of these will stop communication?

Now let’s talk Bridges of Communication:

Bridges:

Stop what you are doing and listen with your whole self.  Look them in the eyes.  This takes time at the moment, but may save you plenty of time when there is not power struggle or whining.

Don’t blame the child,  look at the problem –example... “I see there is a mess on the floor!”  This gives the child a chance to tell themselves how to solve the concern.

Use the correct tone/body language – When we use a good tone with our children when making requests or speaking to them,  we are showing them respect.

Often just a word or two is better than a lecture.  Children will listen better is you just say something in a few words.  “boots off”,  “clean bathroom”,  “keys please”,  “homework”.

Watch your questions.  -  It’s ok to use questions such as “how could you have handled that differently...?”  “how do you see it...?”   If you use questions at all, make them thought provoking and not questioning why they did something.

You don’t always have to have a solution – “guiding them by listening and acknowledging is often the best route to take”

Understand that they are feeling the way they do – Acknowledge they have a certain feeling, even if you don’t think they should.  They will tell you how they feel if you let them.

Remember... after listening your answer may still be “no”.  If this is the case, simply state... “I heard what you said, and my answer is no.”  The acknowledgment that you heard may be enough to stop the whining.  (They may be mad you sad no, but that is ok.  Disappointment is an emotion that children need to learn to handle)

These bridges of communication are goals we all need to strive for in relationships.  Believe me,  you want your children talking to you... not their peers.  If you don’t feel like you have that communication now, use these techniques and I guarantee you, it will get better!

Problem Solving!

Hey all... back to the parenting blog!   Life seems to have its ups and downs and lately that is what we have been experiencing.   Taking my own advice on resiliency, we have decided to continue with the blog.  Hopefully we can reach more parents out there and help you solve that parenting puzzle we all seem to work on continuously.

Let’s start today with PROBLEM SOLVING!   This is a skill that every child can and should develop.   It is not one that happens naturally with most kids, in fact, it is a skill that is learned.   A child who can problem solve is less likely to engage in a power struggle with you.  

Teaching problem solving skills isn’t difficult.   You need to just back away and give your child the opportunity to think about a solution.  These moments come every day.  When a child is able to solve their own problems, he/she is more involved with that solution and will likely follow the plan rather than engage in a power struggle with you.

Let’s talk toddlers:   When my granddaughter, M was born her parents had a problem with older sibling J always wanting to pick her up.   Her parents sat down with her and guided the problem solving into a solution.  Every time she wanted to hold baby, she could ask mom or dad and they would help.  J remembered the solution because she was involved in the discussion.   If she was just told no all the time, she wouldn’t have been so invested in the solution.

Let’s talk kids:   You child continuously forgets homework at home.  It would be wise to sit down with the child and let them help you problem solve.  Listen to all the ideas for solutions.  Don’t discount them, even if you know that won’t work.   Come to an agreement and commit to that.  It could be your child has come up with the solution to put the homework right in the backpack after completion.  They have asked you to remind them one time.   You agree on this, with the stipulation that you will only remind once and then if they forget, the problem is theirs to deal with at school.  Your child is now invested in the solution.

Let’s talk Teenagers:  Curfew, the dreaded curfew!   Problem solving steps can be taken at this time.   The following guideline is an example of problem solving WITH your teenager.

• Talk about the problem/concern
• Discuss solutions (listen, listen, listen and write down ALL their ideas!)
• Talk about each idea and come to an agreement on which one works best
• Put the plan in action
• If it fails, TRY AGAIN!!!   

Think of your child and his/her success as an adult if they learn as a child how to solve problems.  Think about what you can do each day to encourage this.  When they ask you something, encourage them to think of the answer or solution.  Model problem solving skills.  Talk out loud as you try to solve a problem.  Set an example that they will see and follow!

You will solve a significant amount of the parenting puzzle if you teach your children to be problem solvers!

Love Roald Dahl!

"The more risks you allow children to take, the better they learn to take care of themselves." -Roald Dahl

    Love this quote!   Children need to shine at success, learn from mistakes, and try all over again!   Confidence from trying!   Whether successful or not.

     How do we help them along the way?  Here are a few suggestions to help:

1.  Celebrate their effort.  Point out the effort they are putting into a learning experience.  This could be climbing the playground,  cheering when they roll over (just received a video with a grandchild at 3 1/2 months doing this today), trying for their driver's licence,  studying hard for a test, etc.   Point out the effort they have put into it.

2.  Don't take away their hope when trying a new thing.  I once asked a young girl to try something that was out of her comfort zone.  She was willing to try, and a few of us were there to help her along the way.   Her mother called me a few hours later and explained her daughter would not be doing this, because she (the mother) would be too nervous for her daughter to try.  I was so saddened by this.  The mother took the daughter's chance to succeed (or maybe not) at a new experience. 

3.  Let them fix their mistakes.  Support them along the way, but let your child be the one to correct what happened.  (with a friend, making a mess, not sharing, not turning in an homework assignment, etc.)

4.  Discuss with them what they could do different next time.   Mistakes happen, and share this with them, but help them to come up with a better solution for the future.    They may need your guidance, but don't tell them what to do different, guide them to the answer.

5.  Let them PLAY, PLAY & PLAY!   All ages need to play!   (Even adults)  Laugh with them and encourage play!   Children and adults learn so many things through play.   Allow them to climb that playground (it's ok to help but don't hover!)  Allow them to drive by themselves after they get their licence (the hardest part of parenting for me!!!)   Let them take the bus at the appropriate age.   Let them get in front of an audience and sing or dance or play a sport.  

Any other ideas you may have?  Please share....there are plenty of things you can do to let your child take healthy risks!  Let us know....

Up, up and away! Being aware of our children.

It has been awhile since I posted anything.  Been traveling to see 2 new grandbabies in two different places!   It has been wonderful.

On one of my many flights this month, I sat across the aisle from a mother and her son.   The minute she got on the plane, mom was engaged with her phone.  Her son was 3 years old and sat by the window across from me.  For about an hour, he was kicking the seat in front of him, yelling, and standing up (after the flight attendant had told mom several times that he had to be in his seatbelt).  Mom just basically ignored him.  There were no toys or books for this little guy to keep him entertained.  This went on for an hour.

So, I took my headphones off and engaged mom in a conversation.  Then I started playing with him.  We did fingerplays, songs, and games.  We counted my fingers and his over and over.  Mom engaged with us at this time.    We did this for about an hour.  It entertained us both.  We started descending to our city and his little ears hurt, so he started screaming again.  I said  "don't scream, use your words and tell mommy they hurt."  So he did.  We then played a yawning game and they popped. 


As we got off the plane, mom said  "you are really good with him!"  My thought was... she could have done the same thing, she just choose to ignore him when he needed to be entertained.   Those little spaces on a plane are confining!  They are so small for kids and adults!  (that's why I entertain myself with music or books). 


I have no problem with children on an airplane.  They have just as much right to be there as I do.  The problem (not the child, but the mother ignoring him) was solved when attention was paid to the little boy.  I know the people around us were really happy when I started playing with him.


One final thought... as I was in the terminal I heard from behind... "hey, you forgot me!"  My new little friend came running up and grabbed my hand.  I explained that his mommy would miss him if he came with me, so he had to stay with mommy.  She smiled and thanked me.   Maybe some teaching was done by example.  Hopefully the next flight they were about to get on was better for him!

Teaching Children to be Resilient

I came outside the other day and saw this dandelion growing beside my neighbor’s driveway. I thought it was funny, because my neighbor has no grass, just artificial turf! I thought “that dandelion sure was resilient!” Made me think of parenting! (what doesn't make me think of parenting!)

To be resilient means: “able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions”. Another definition is: “resume shape or position after being bent, stretched or compressed”.

I believe we need to teach our children to be resilient. They are in a world where resiliency is important! Resilient people immediately look at the problem and say “what’s the solution to that?” or “what is that trying to teach me?”

I have had to be resilient these past few weeks (thus why I haven’t posted for awhile). We have a few health concerns going on in our family that have required my attention. Although it has been difficult, I am hoping that in my lifetime I have learned resiliency and I will be able to move on, resume my shape or position after being bent, stretched and compressed!

How do we teach this to our children?

 I think we should listen, listen, listen and then talk to them when they are struggling with something. Give them an opportunity to look at the situation in a different light. Ask them what they could do now to move forward, how can they solve the problem, what they could have done differently, what can they learn from this? All these questions and more, depending on the circumstance, will give the child a chance to learn for themselves the lessons they need and move on.

Teach them that mistakes are opportunities to learn and encourage their efforts. Logical and natural consequences are ways for children to learn resiliency also.

Hold a family meeting when a family is struggling with something. We just did this through technology to speak with all the family at once since we aren’t in the same cities. Our children are adults and they each had something to say to help with the situation or ideas as to what to do from here after they were able to process and think about it. When you hold family meetings when they are young, they will be able to do this as they are older.

An example of this when my children were young was when my husband’s company was bought out by another company and he did not have a position. He was without work around Christmas time. We had five children ages 3-14. We sat them down and explained the situation. My husband and son were delivering newspapers in the mornings so my son could earn money and as a family it was decided to take on more paper routes. We took on 4 routes. I remember it being one of the snowiest, coldest winters we had (probably because I was out at 5:00 in the morning) but we did what each of us could do to help. We kept the 4 routes until my husband was able to find a job and then my son and husband continued with their route.
I hope that this was an example to them of being resilient and able to withstand or recover quickly from a difficult condition.

So, little dandelion, I admire you and your determination in a difficult situation. I’m not sure my neighbor admired you, as I see now, that she has pulled you! At least I was able to get a picture and show the world your resiliency at the time!